• Avoiding large groups of people, preferring smaller/intimate groups
• Needing a lot of time alone
• Feeling things really intensely both emotionally and physically
• Needing deep and meaningful relationships
• Often being called over-emotional or being told to relax
• Over-analyzing things often
• Friendships usually are started by chance or by the other person
• Low self-confidence along with trying too hard to please other people
• Doubting yourself
• When over-stimulated, you quickly burn out
• Hates gambling
• Excessive/neurotic anxiety
• Inclined to look inward (spirituality)
• Sabotaging relationships because of feelings you pick up that aren’t your own
• Effected strongly by weather
• Finds water to be soothing

I wonder how many people that are HSPs are also Pisces or have a lot of Pisces in them.

As a kid I was very shy, to the point so much that people often forget I was even in the room. If someone said something mean to me I’d either burst into tears or get really sick to my stomach. All my life I’ve been referred to as sensitive or emotional. I even had one friend tell me the song I’m Sensitive by Jewel to remind her of me. Come to think of it the other song I’ve had someone say makes them think of me is Maryjane by Alanis. Yeah, those songs couldn’t be anymore telling.

Maryjane:

What’s the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don’t disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore

I’m Sensitive:

‘Cause anyone can start a conflict
it’s harder yet to disregard it
I’d rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me ’cause I’d like to stay that way

I’ve always felt bad about it, like my sensitivity was a burden and too much for most people to deal with. I suppose knowing what it really is doesn’t mean it’s not a burden, some people deal with me easier than others do.

Things that I now realize about me that are a part of being Highly Sensitive (or easily over stimulated) are the following:

• Insomnia (being too frazzled).
• Having a faster heartrate normally, doctors are always surprised that when they check my heartrate that it’s really fast.
• Avoiding situations that would cause anxiety such as left turns or busy/crowded places.
• Feeling things in situations that aren’t out in the open ie. intuition.
• Feelings things really intensely like music, sometimes it makes me cry and not just because of lyrics, sometimes because the notes or whatever just effect me strongly.
• Being very aware of my inner emotional state, which can be good and bad.
• Creativity, I’ve often said that the part of me that sometimes makes life really difficult can bring out my creativity.
• I tend to have a lot of empathy to the point I’ll be brought to tears for someone else.
• I get easily overwhelmed sometimes to the point I want to cry or just hide, this explains why once when I smoked pot I begged people to put me in the closet.
• Needing a lot of space so much that everyday after work I require 1 hour to be left alone just so I can relax. I often only make plans for 1 day on the weekend if any just because I can’t handle anymore of that.
• Cutting people out of your life is an HSP trait, one I’ve done many times. Usually people that cause me to get over-sensitive way too often.
• I spend a lot of time at home.

My whole life I’ve been criticised for this, to this day I still am. I’m either too emotional or I’m overly-dramatic. In truth, I just feel things more intensely than other people and it can cause me to panic or shut down. I think that’s why I watch so much tv, it grounds me and calms me like not much else can. Listening to audiobooks in my car helps me not get overwhelmed by all the traffic.

It’s a relief to learn about this and know that 20% of the population is HSP, so I’m not as weird and fucked up as I thought I was. I’ve always thought that a lot of my sensitivity was a good thing but the being over-stimulated part can be draining and embarrassing. So from now on when someone tells me I’m too sensitive I’ll just tell them “yes, so please stop making it worse.”

I’m in a funk. I didn’t really realize how deep of a funk I was in until I realized I barely pick up my camera anymore. It used to be attached to me. I used to carry it around with me hoping a moment would jump out in front of me and beg me to snap it up. I can’t seem to find the love of it at the moment. I think it’s various things that are sucking the joy out of me.

• Our financial future and not knowing what is going to happen.
• Feeling so hateful towards myself.
• The lack of energy because of my health right now.
• The lack of energy because of my day job.
• My self-confidence.
• Lack of funds.
• Feeling lost.

There you have it. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like a loser who gave up on her passion but I can feel it still inside of me, I just can’t seem to access it. I’m in the process of working through some stuff and finding the right path for me. I have some days when I don’t feel completely like giving up but most days I just wander through.

Don’t get me wrong, things are good, as good as they can be and we’re lucky. I just feel sort of stuck and I’m sick of it. I need a change as we all do every once and a while.

Is it weird that I’ve never wanted to look like this? I’ve never wanted to be buff or ripped. I’ve always wanted to be toned but I’m not interested in being head to toe muscle. To me, it’s just not sexy but that’s a personal thing. I want to have curves and to be a little soft (not pudgy). I want to have breasts and a butt. Would I love a relatively flat stomach? Yes but I don’t want a six pack and never have…I also don’t want that in a guy. I think overly muscular is kind of creepy and weird looking. I think it’s great they are so motivated and so healthy but to me, it doesn’t look normal.

It’s so easy to react, it’s hard to just walk away.

It’s easy to get angry, it’s hard to let it go.

It’s easy to gossip, it’s hard to be honest with people.

It’s easy to hate, it’s hard to love.

It’s easy to blame, it’s hard to understand.

It’s easy to give up, it’s hard to keep trying.

I don’t want to take the easy way out.

So I’ve been doing the work of nearly 2 people, which wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t so damn tired from this weekend and then going out to Boston Monday night. Then, of course, since I was feeling crappy I’ve been eating slightly crappier, which only makes it worse. Oh yeah, also allergies that wake me up in the middle of the night/morning with my eyes watering or not being able to breath.

It’s a good thing I have friday and monday off because this is seriously no fun. I just want to curl up and cry. I just feel like giving up and saying “fuck it” to everything. Fuck allergies. Fuck my job. Fuck my fucking commute. Fuck my body that is like a bratty child having a tantrum and slumping onto the floor in protest.

FUCK!!!

I was thinking, if I can ever get a handle on my Hypothyroidism and get into a real exercise routine and get down like 50 lbs I want to do a photo shoot and recreate this picture. I even have a tatoo on my pelvis like she does and I’ve never shown it off. I doubt I even have a 10th of the raw sexiness that she has but I sure as hell can try.

More than anything lately I’ve been learning to let go. I’m not good at letting go, it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. One time I remember a friend in high school pointing out how long it takes me to let go of a relationship. Once, I I held onto a relationship with a boy that quite honestly never really happened. I mean, he mentioned we should be boyfriend and girlfriend and then I never really saw him again. That stuck with me for longer than I’d like to admit.

Miss Britt tweeted this post the other day and it was yet another reminder of what I’m trying to learn in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that nothing lasts forever but I think there are certain things in all our lives we just take for granted. We think we can say anything or do anything and eventually all will be forgotten. No matter how much we ignore and push it down it always comes back up. We can’t escape what is underneith forever.

There are things that have been said or done that can not be undone. And while that can often be overlooked, what cannot be overlooked is that those actions, words, events change the parties involved irrevocably. We become different people… people who can’t be friends again. Because who we were before is so very different from who we are now.

A friendship that was really important to me, more than most of you will ever really know, fell to pieces. I think I sat around for a week or two just trying to imagine how I could put all the pieces together again with superglue but there was just no possible way. This was someone I was certain I’d be with until I was a little old lady. We talked all the time about how we’d spend our last years being pervy old women checking out hot young men. I never imagined we could get to a point of no return.

I look back over the years now and I don’t think we ever really tried in our friendship, we just always believed it would work itself out one way or another. Not only were we such close friends but we were family as well. What could possibly be so bad that we couldn’t find a way to be friends? I think what tore us apart is how indestructive we thought we were. We never really told each other how we felt or put in any real effort. If one of us hurt we buried it and ignored it and before we knew it there was a sewage of shit bubbling under the surface.

I guess that is my motto lately in many ways. Learning to let go of what people think I’m supposed to be and just be myself, good or bad. Learning that all relationships require truth and heart. Learning that nothing in this world is guaranteed and nothing lasts forever. Learning to appreciate all that I do have and let go of the rest.

I think some people can’t handle people being their real selves because they are afraid to put that out there. I don’t mean every little piece of our life for the world to consume, but the real parts that aren’t always pretty.

Oh no, your marriage isn’t perfect!

Oh shit, you mean to tell me you hate your job?

I’m shocked, your life didn’t turn out the way you planned…

It’s hard to really trust people who fill the world around them only with what they think everyone wants to see. These people are just mirages, you never really know them. These people are the ones who go behind your back and talk shit out you and need to bring you down to lift themselves up. These people are more miserable than the ones who admit their hardships, these people are not only miserable but afraid to admit to their problems.

Despite all we’ve been through over time including the long divorce, it’s made us so much of a stronger couple. We’ve learned to live with so much less, hell we have been with DVR for like 2 years now. We’ve come to love our small house because it brings us closer. We’ve learned how to take the shit that comes at us as a potential good thing in the future. Hell, the divorce that was one of the hardest things I’ve been through gave us so much more in our lives.

Yeah, we may lose what we have, we’re all in danger of that. We keep telling ourselves that maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe we have a new chapter in our lives. Maybe it’s a chance to move somewhere else or just take a new journey. It doesn’t mean I’m going to be smiles and bubbles the entire way but in the end, we’ll be better people for it. I believe that, the rest is just in the past.

Hypothyroidism in my life:

• Weight gain – not only does it cause weight gain but it’s nearly impossible to lose weight.
• Fatigue – I’m tired all the time, I don’t know how I’m supposed to get exercise when I am so damn tired.
• Sensitivity to cold – my feet get cold all the time, like ice cold, even when it’s hot out.
• Insomnia – not only does Hypo cause insomnia but the medication you take for it can cause it too, fucking hell.
• Weakness – it’s hard to explain but I just feel weak all the time.
• Hairloss – I don’t think it’s really noticable but this one is really frustrating.
• Constipation – yippie.
• Depression
• Irritability
• Memory Loss – Such a bizarre thing, I have to keep writing notes and notes of notes to remind me of things.
• Acid Reflux – it gets so bad sometimes it’s seriously painful.
• Inability to concentrate – would figure that all along it was hypo and not ADD.
• Acne
• Inability to stand on feet for long periods
• Anxiety

So I’m on a medication for it, it takes a while for it to get better. I have to keep having my blood taken to see my levels and that it’s working correctly. I know that there is so much more I need to do such as vitamins, cutting out certain foods and getting exercise. Oh and I have to drink more water, I’m lucky if I drink 16oz a day.

I just wanted to share what I’m dealing with right now, there is so much information out there it’s hard to know where to start. I’ve come to a place where I realize that I can’t live this way, it’s miserable, I need to start taking charge.