Electriceasel: Oh my god! I asked myself that question just before I lost my virginity! Serously.

Latefines: LMAO! I’m so glad you’re my friend.

Also…if you’re bored.

Right now my #1 priority over everything is going to work which is only 40 hours a week but I also commute 10-15 hours every week as well. I realize I’ve mentioned this like 1,365 times but hey, it’s a part of my everyday life. I can’t get away from it so neither can you.

I’m also working on photography which is incredibly consuming but also emotionally draining most of the time. If I’m not working on pictures and stressing if they are good enough I’m working with a client to setup another photo shoot or I’m just trying to figure out how to get by with the equipment I have, which is clearly lacking. It’s very hard to work on photos on my laptop when it’s constantly overheating and slowing down.

Then of course there is our financial situation, which is constantly in a downward spiral it seems. Right now we are deciding what bills to pay. Do we pay our mortgage? Do we pay our electricity? Do we choose over all to be able to eat and put gas in our cars? We can’t do all 3, that is for sure.

On top of all this I realize my health is in a bad state. I have not gained any weight in like 6 months or something but I haven’t lost any either. I don’t know how to fit in exercise when I can’t afford a gym and outside is hotter than hell. Working out inside is impossible when you can’t afford to run your air conditioner and your house is just too small to bounce around in.

So it sucks that I just can’t seem to put the effort in to eating the right foods and taking bike rides. I know I have to figure out a way to make it a priority but I just don’t know how to do it without completely losing my head in the process.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been against facial hair on men (on women I am definitely against it) but over time my feelings have changed.

Growing up I think I hated facial hair mostly because my dad has had a beard since before I was born and refuses to shave it. I begged him for my high school graduation to shave it, he said no. I asked if he’d do it for my wedding, he said no. He has a serious attachment to that beard.

There is also that I have a tendency to love young men. I don’t mean like young young men, I just mean men who have kind of a baby face. Did I mention I hate body hair on men? I mean on the normal places like legs and arms is fine but I don’t want it on the chest or back. I like a smooth, non-waxed, look.

The first time I started to see the other side was when I dated a more masculine looking guy and he had a goatee. I asked him once to shave it off for me and because I am that good, he did. I immediately regretted it, he looked like he was 5 years old. I insisted he grow it right back, like immediately. Granted, now I want nothing to do with goatees, I just think they look kind of douchey.

Then I met Manly Man. A guy with lovely dark hair, warm brown eyes, no facial hair and the chest hair of a 12 year old. I don’t remember how it happened but he grew a beard, I think I was curious. I was blown away, he looked gorgeous. He has a very young face but his beard gave his face definition. Since then I won’t let him shave it completely off, even for our wedding he had it.

And that’s how I became a beard girl.

I never really knew I had this problem until I stayed at my SIL’s place one night (long before she was my SIL). I was sleeping in the guest room and I guess (as she tells it) she heard me screaming in the hallway about a spider. She came running out assuming that I was being attacked by someone (luckily she’s a marine) and saw that I wasn’t awake. She told me there wasn’t a spider and sent me back to bed.

Looking back I remember a few times jumping out of bed, when I lived with my parents, in fear of a spider. I also remember a time I freaked out and ran downstairs, completely sure a spider had fallen on me while I was in bed. I was so terrified I slept on the couch in the living room the rest of the night. I think I may have had at least one in college with my roommate but I’m not sure, since I don’t usually recall them unless someone was there to tell me about it.

Since living with Manly Man I’ve had more than either of us could count. He’s gotten (mostly) used to me jumping out of bed screaming my head off. Of course every time it makes him wake up immediately but when he realizes it’s a night terror he calms me down and we go back to bed. Often he has to reassure me several times that there is in fact no spider or no animal in the corner of the ceiling.

It seems to me I get these particularly when I’m in a high stress time of my life. I’ve had 2 this week already and I think I had at least 1 last week.

I guess I have high standards for friends, which is why I have very few. I’m ok with that but it also means from time to time friendships end. I hate that, I never get over the loss of a once really close friend. I have 2 really close friends from my past that, at least for now, we aren’t even speaking and I feel sad about this all the time. I can get over the loss of a boyfriend but a true friend is one that is hard to let go of.

You keep thinking about all the great moments you had together and it feels like giving up on your relationship is washing away those moments. I know this isn’t really true but it feels like it, it feels like all those times you laughed and cried together are worth more than whatever is missing right now.

My basic needs in a friendship are as follows:

• An even playing field – If I feel for a long time that I’m giving way more than I get then things start to break apart and resentment ensues. Granted sometimes I think I try to hard and that’s when I pull back.
• Needing each other – Really true friends need each other and reach out to each other. When that isn’t there then a lot is missing.
• Being there – Knowing that your friend will always be right there when you need them and you don’t even have to ask. That they can just tell that at this moment you need someone to make the load a little lighter.
• Make you laugh – I think that is just a given with any relationship.

I could probably have a much longer list if I really dug in but these were the things that came to my mind immediately. Friendship is so important to me and because it is I think I get let down so much. No matter how close a friend seems there is no guarantee you’ll grow old together.

When I chose the name of my “photography business” I had no idea it would become an actual business name. At the time I wanted a name for a photoblog I had started that mostly included buildings, lakes and flowers. As this slowly started to become a name for my portrait work I never even questioned it.

To me, the name, is a way of saying that sometimes a shot that you wouldn’t expect to be beautiful suddenly becomes beautiful…by accident. This is obvious to me but I guess it’s not quite as obvious to everyone else.

I have noticed that photographers have either their business name as FIRST and LAST NAME Photography and some believe that is the only way to go. There are other photographers, like myself and my friend Jen, who choose another name like Pretty Pictures Photography (I totally made that up, I have no idea if it exists).

I realize my business name (I’m not mentioning it here as I’m trying really hard to keep this blog separate from the other one) isn’t an obvious name but then I always tend to go the less obvious route. I prefer goofy pictures over pretty pictures. I prefer personality over polished.

Anyway, all this rambling is my way of wondering if I should change my name. I’m not sure if I even could if I wanted to at this point in the game. I mean, I couldn’t even change my Fan Page name, which I think is really ridiculous but that would go in my WTF Facebook? post.

So I’d love to have your thoughts, feel free to just be honest. Would you be hesitant to hire someone with my business name? Here is a poll to make it a little more fun.

What would I do without this little blog here? It’s moments like these that I have thoughts I want to share but I don’t want my photography world to know. There is Robin the Blogger who doubts herself, has little to no confidence and needs the help of her friends to keep her in check. Then there is Robin the Photog who is building a business and clients and learning every step of the way.

I had my first wedding yesterday. I knew it would be hard but I assumed I would just step up to the plate and make it work. Yeah, right before the ceremony I whispered to my brother (who was the wedding videographer) I think I’m in over my head. Guess what? I was.

Did I get a lot of good shots? I would like to believe so.

Did I learn a lot? Holy fuck yeah.

Is wedding photography what I was meant to do? I’m not sure.

I’ll spell it out for you: it is really hard and takes a certain kind of person to do this. If I could go back I would probably have them hire someone else and ask to be the 2nd shooter. That or I should have asked them to pay for a second shooter. I was afraid to bring someone in who is that far above me in talent but now I know it’s what I needed.

I think I got some pretty good shots before the wedding. I got a couple of her getting ready but she was in this tiny kitchen and I had no room to really capture her. I got lots of her getting in the Rolls Royce and lots of her before the wedding.

I hate to admit this, I panicked during the ceremony. The reverend beforehand asked me not to get in front at all or in the isle but it turned out my lens did not zoom enough. So I ran back and forth trying to get everything. I didn’t get her walking down the isle, I barely got the groom watching her down the isle, I did not get them coming up the isle and well, let’s just say all I really got were the vows and the kiss.

Lucky for me, there was a friend of theirs taking pictures as well who had probably a better lens than I had. I got a lot of good shots for the reception, I think, but it was inside a small bar (100 people) so it was extremely tricky. Extremely. Plus, I thought I was better with my external flash than I was but I managed best I could. I noticed this guy got really good shots indoors, I think he had a diffuser, which I need to get STAT.

I’m just glad they didn’t pay me and I’m glad they should in the end get all the pictures they want. I’m also going to be really glad I learned so much. In the end I just really hope she’s happy with the pictures I give her and also that I can still do her wedding in Ireland next year.

Many many years ago, in a faraway kingdom (or rather Kindergarten), I met another goofy girl like me. We were both going to private school and in all the years I went to this place she was the only friend I ever made (mind you there were 3 other girls in my entire grade). I never fit in with the other girls, I was the poor girl, the one they snubbed.

In second grade my friend, eventually I gave her the nickname Ice and she called me Robs, stopped going to the private school while I continued to go there until 7th grade. We were several towns away from each other but somehow we still kept up our friendship. I think our mothers appreciated our friendship enough to cart us back and forth between each house.

As we got older we drifted apart a little since she went away to a college out of state and I stayed nearby but we never completely lost touch. I think we went sometimes a year or 2 with no contact and then would just pickup again right off the bat. I have complicated friendships but this one was always easy.

Now she’s asked me to shoot her wedding and also shoot her wedding in Ireland (next year) and it’s times like these I really believe in fate. It’s because of my friendship with Ice and the fact that we’ve kept in touch when we so easily could have lost touch that I am on this new path. Her belief in what she thinks I can do is what gave me that little push I needed.

I’m so glad I have a friends like her who believe in me so much they can put all their faith in me like that. It’s a friend like her, like so many of you, who got me to where I am today. I’m still in awe.

As you know from time to time we deal with the issue of Pilot being an indoor/outdoor cat. When we first adopted him his previous owners had actually let him outdoors so from the moment we had him he was begging to go outside. Once when we were in an apartment he bolted out the door, down the hall stairs and out the door when he got the chance. Luckily we scooped him up and brought him back inside.

Then we moved to our current house in a very woodsy area (so woodsy our backyard is just woods for miles and miles) and in a cul-de-sac, so the car situation is minimal. We realized we were in a great location for cats to play but that there were also a lot of wild animals that could hurt them. It wasn’t an easy decision to make but then Pilot snuck out about 3 times without us even noticing.

At that point we decided that on weekends we’d let them out to play and bring them in at night. Aurora never goes far, she usually hangs out on the front or back deck but Pilot goes wandering into the woods and sometimes doesn’t come home until the next day. That’s where it gets hard, you can’t reason with a cat to come in before dark (believe me, we’ve tried).

When it starts to get dark we’ll call for him…nothing. We’ll shake treats…he could care less. We’d try the ol “open a can of cat food” to get his attention but he only eats dry. Sometimes he’ll come to the driveway and just look up at us at the door and then turn right around to run back off into the woods.

Every once and a while we’ll consider re-considering Pilot becoming an indoor cat again and there are a lot of pluses to it. First off all he’s more cuddly when he stays indoors, which I love. We also worry about him less and he’s safer.

In the end, even though he might have a shorter life outside he really has a happier life when he can play in the grass sometimes. I had a cat Keyser Soze who started sneaking out when I was on a main road and got hit by a car, when I think about that I always remember how happy he was in the handful of times he got to play outside. I believe in living life to the fullest and if we can give that to him, why the fuck not?

Mind you I don’t think letting cats outdoors is a good idea in every location, we just happen to live in a very small house with a lot of land and very few cars. In my mind that is an ideal location for cats.

Again, it’s not an easy decision and one many don’t agree with but for us right now it seems like the best one. We are however trying to let him out less as he seems a bit spoiled right now going out every single day.

So instead of trying to train him we’re training ourselves to have faith in him and worry less. It’s not easy but sometimes you have to suffer a little for the ones you love.

I worry about posting things about family members here because I never know if they read it but then again if they do they never ever say a word about it. So I’m going to assume they don’t. I like keeping this blog as much out of my personal life as possible, it makes it easier to be myself.

This weekend, in particular, I realized how unaware of their surroundings my parents are. If you know me you are well aware that I’m not one for rules or traditions or for people telling me how I should be. I hate when people say to me “but you are supposed to do it this way” because you know, that’s what society tells us.

But I realized my parents are in their own world and I can’t figure out if they’ve always been this way and I’ve never noticed or if it’s an age thing. I’ve always known my mother is messy. She’s not cluttered but she’s very messy. Her counter tops are always in need of a wiping down. Her floors rarely look like they’ve been cleaned, at all. There is dust all over the house. The bathroom has absolutely no order and I’m an order freak.

Also, at a dinner we went to at my parents house I was a little disturbed by several things. She brought a silverware carrier out that had something on it, like chocolate or something but I wiped it off for her. She didn’t even think to bring down real silverware forks for lobster, that plastic ones would be enough?? The plastic plates she had were not sufficient for the lobster we were having. They are having their pool dug out so we sat next to a huge hole in the ground and the dust kept getting into our food.

Then there was the food. She served salt less butter with the lobster, who does that?? She bought the lobsters at Market Basket, which is like the ghetto supermarket and shocking, some of the lobsters were not well. She insists on putting sugar in the raspberries for the ice cream even though I keep telling her that the ice cream has sugar in it. Then of course my dad, who had his shirt off when nobody else did, which I just think is weird.

Maybe it’s just how I see them, I’m sure other people are embarrassed by their parents. I just feel like I need to explain the world to them and I don’t know how they don’t understand things like this. Or maybe I’m just going to an OCD place and they don’t quite fit into my new little ordered world.

Either way, they are starting to drive me crazy.