This Too Needs To Pass

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I feel like my stomach has been in knots for as long as I can remember now. Yes, I have moments of joy and peace but it seems more often than not I’m stressed, tired and an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Lately it feels like everyone is hovering over me judging me and picking apart my life. I’m just doing the best I can, trying to survive to the next day.

I’m not looking for a pity party, though it sounds like it. It’s just that I’m trying to keep my shit together and I feel guilty dumping this on any of my friends. It’s too much for anyone and it’s not fair of me to dump it onto another person. I need to release and that’s part of why I write, to get it out there because I am not the type to bottle my feelings up.

I’ve had a few moments in my life where I’ve thought “this will never pass” and always, it does. Where my life stands right now it doesn’t feel like it will ever get better and sometimes I think how pointless this all is. I hate feeling pathetic and stuck. I hate feeling on edge and drowning at the same time.

Dark thoughts seep into your brain when you feel terrified for years on years. Usually I push these out or push them down by watching a series I love while cuddling up under a blanket with my little family. Or maybe I’ll actually go out of my way to meet with good friends just to laugh but it’s tough to do that when you are all so busy and far away. On top of that, mostly I just want to be by myself and go into a Netflix coma. Some people drink, smoke pot but I watch tv to get away.

I’m actually not usually someone that keeps it all inside but falling apart would mean not functioning and I don’t have that option. Also, at this point I think if I fall apart I’ll never be able to pull myself back together. I just wish one person would reach out and give a shit, other than my husband or my mother. I wish one person would offer to take me out for a couple drinks or invite me over for drinks or even just out for coffee. I wish one person could see through me right now.

I wish I didn’t feel like life was trying to pull me down everyday. I don’t need anyone to fix my life, I just want a break…I just want to relax a little.

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