When you have a falling out with someone I think it’s important to lay out your own mistakes along with understanding what they did to hurt you. Relationships don’t fall apart because one person screwed it all up, it’s a 2 way street. In regards to an ex-friend of mine here are the mistakes I believe I made:
Expectations: I wanted this person to give as much emotionally as I gave and for whatever reason that’s not where they were or what they could give. I felt disappointed and hurt but it was because of my own expectations I put on them. This is something I do a LOT and have talked about in therapy before.
Sensitivity: I was too sensitive and it’s hard as this person is a lot tougher (at least on the outside) and I think it frustrated them, understandably.
Neediness: With this friend I made them my #1 above all other friends and for a while it was great but then as things changed I realized she was my only real friend and as I felt (whether it was true or not) she wasn’t making time for me I felt abandoned and I got clingy. Btw, clingy is one of the most unattractive qualities but there you have it. It’s like when you know a relationship is ending and you get kind of desperate, that’s what I did.
Anger: I wish I’d kept calm more and got angry less, I’m not proud of the angry emails I’ve sent to her and her husband even though they are probably pretty honest on my end but I wish I’d gone about it in a more thoughtful way. I always try to wait 24 hours to send an emotional email so I’ve calmed down and really thought about it.
Strength: I wish I could have been stronger and handled things better. I wish I could have sat and talked with her more instead of being scared of confronting her. I wish I’d been strong enough not to lash out and instead just be honest in a kind way.
Judgement: One of my least favorite qualities about myself is that I can be judgmental and I’m always trying to work on it. I make judgements sometimes on people’s relationships and their lives, even though nobody can really judge another person’s life from the outside. Sometimes I have to remind myself that if it’s not my life then it’s none of my business.
Unfortunately I don’t think any of this will ever be resolved unless we can get to a place where we can discuss and deal with the past so we can let it go. We’re both still discussing how everything fell apart and both stories are very different. If issues, that are clearly still there on both ends, aren’t dealt with they will just keep arising in the relationship. Too often shit is just swept under the rug and that’s the perfect way for things to never get better.
Pretending like nothing ever happened and just moving on means all those problems that everyone admits to existing will always be between everyone. If you can say “it’s your life and I won’t pretend to understand your situation and make no judgement on your circumstances” then ok but I’m doubtful of that happening.
Letting go and moving on is more than just leaving the past in the past, it’s about dealing, resolving and admitting to your own mistakes. Dealing with these things are tough but it’s what you do for the people you love and want in your life.