More than anything lately I’ve been learning to let go. I’m not good at letting go, it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. One time I remember a friend in high school pointing out how long it takes me to let go of a relationship. Once, I I held onto a relationship with a boy that quite honestly never really happened. I mean, he mentioned we should be boyfriend and girlfriend and then I never really saw him again. That stuck with me for longer than I’d like to admit.
Miss Britt tweeted this post the other day and it was yet another reminder of what I’m trying to learn in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that nothing lasts forever but I think there are certain things in all our lives we just take for granted. We think we can say anything or do anything and eventually all will be forgotten. No matter how much we ignore and push it down it always comes back up. We can’t escape what is underneith forever.
There are things that have been said or done that can not be undone. And while that can often be overlooked, what cannot be overlooked is that those actions, words, events change the parties involved irrevocably. We become different people… people who can’t be friends again. Because who we were before is so very different from who we are now.
A friendship that was really important to me, more than most of you will ever really know, fell to pieces. I think I sat around for a week or two just trying to imagine how I could put all the pieces together again with superglue but there was just no possible way. This was someone I was certain I’d be with until I was a little old lady. We talked all the time about how we’d spend our last years being pervy old women checking out hot young men. I never imagined we could get to a point of no return.
I look back over the years now and I don’t think we ever really tried in our friendship, we just always believed it would work itself out one way or another. Not only were we such close friends but we were family as well. What could possibly be so bad that we couldn’t find a way to be friends? I think what tore us apart is how indestructive we thought we were. We never really told each other how we felt or put in any real effort. If one of us hurt we buried it and ignored it and before we knew it there was a sewage of shit bubbling under the surface.
I guess that is my motto lately in many ways. Learning to let go of what people think I’m supposed to be and just be myself, good or bad. Learning that all relationships require truth and heart. Learning that nothing in this world is guaranteed and nothing lasts forever. Learning to appreciate all that I do have and let go of the rest.