The Best Me

Whenever I go through a tough period, a period when I have to adjust to the world becoming something else entirely. At that point in time I need to consider that there is something fundamentally wrong in my life and while some of it comes from outside elements, the only things I can change are the ones within myself.

What are these things?

Oh it might be my insecurities that never seem to let me go and I don’t even realize 1/2 of the time they are running my emotions.

Also possibly how I compare myself to the people I feel are better than me.

Pushing my opinons, etc. on others is also there, although I like to think that the people who know me and love me can at the very least just laugh off my obvious extreme enthusiasm. Or in some situations just tell me I’m being obnoxious.

Maybe not using passive aggress tactics on social networks to relay the feelings I can’t express to someone directly.

Then of course there is my complete lack in trust, which I think I’ve had oodles of reasons to not trust but it’s no way to live. I don’t want to live that way.

I also want to know why I live my life being so afraid of my friends. I’m not afraid to stand up to my husband, family, or coworkers but I’m terrified of most of my friends. Just getting an email or a phone call from many of my friends causes an actual panic attack. Sometimes to make a call to a friend to talk about something difficult I have to have a stiff drink just to do that. It’s not normal.

What kind of life is it if we don’t take responsibility for our own actions and try to be a better person? What kind of friendship can you have if you can’t be honest and real with each other? I just want to always try to know myself better and just maybe the world will make a little more sense.

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