Forgiving Someone Else
I think I’m pretty good at forgiving people for things, I’m still close friends with several people who bad shit has gone down with. I do, however, have a hard time forgetting and moving on. I may not speak up or say anything but in the back of my mind it’s always there.
The one person in my life who has hurt me that I don’t think I can ever really forgive is my grandmother. She’s the only grandparent I have left and she’s in a home, I haven’t seen her in years. She asks to see me but I can’t go.
For the first several years she doted on me, telling me how beautiful and perfect I was. She adored me, this I can say for sure. The problem was I didn’t stay that cute forever, puberty came and weight came along for the ride.
That was when my grandmother started to tell me how pretty I could be if I lost weight. She would tell me how no man would love me unless I was thin. That was about when I started to obsess about my body and went into a downward spiral of self-loathing and unhealthy habits.
Everytime I would see her after that I’d go into a depression. It didn’t help all the nasty bigoted/racist things she would say or how she’d say horrible things about my mother.
She’s someone I need to forgive but given that she’s so incredibly mentally ill I’m not sure how to do that except what she put me through other than to accept that she didn’t know what she was doing. It’s terms I want to come to but will have to on my own.