The other day Jen asked me the question â€œDo you feel youâ€™re worth something?â€ and while she was referencing my photography and if I should be paid for my work it was a question that went a lot deeper than financial.
As for my photography, a lot of the portrait work I have done for people I feel is worth a lot. Looking at what I did and what they got out of it I do think I could have asked for money for it. But there is always the fear that it was luck or that next time Iâ€™ll have my camera set on the wrong setting, which I happened to do in Ireland.
I donâ€™t have much faith in myself and that is something you really need to get anywhere in this world. Itâ€™s no wonder I canâ€™t stick to a healthy lifestyle or why projects I start tend to dwindle or why I keep pulling back from the next step with my photography. I have yet to really prove to myself that I can do this, that I have it in me.
This is something that has come up in therapy many times. Sheâ€™s pointed out that Iâ€™ll start a running program and do really well but about 3 weeks in I find some reason to lose my momentum. Is it fear of actually succeeding or fear of what I believe to be immanent failure? Is it just easier to just let myself down? It sure doesnâ€™t seem that way.
I donâ€™t know how to break out of this cycle, but I know Iâ€™ve been tired of it for months. I know that my situation makes it harder but I know itâ€™s not an impossible situation. Yes, I commute 10+ hours a week. Yes itâ€™s hard to eat well when you are struggling financially. Yes itâ€™s hard to make changes when you feel you are going against the current.
I just know I have to pull myself out of this because otherwise nothing will ever change and that is a much worse fate than failing.