I Can’t Fix It
Itâ€™s not my problem. I try to say that to myself but it doesnâ€™t do much good.
My therapist tells me itâ€™s not my problem to fix but if it doesnâ€™t get better it will become my problem. So I have to basically just watch my world crumble beneath my feet. Anyone have a cigarette?
This past year has been troublesome, one thing after another has fallen apart. I canâ€™t tell you how many nights Iâ€™ve laid awake with anxiety about what the future holds. Iâ€™ve never felt so unsure about what lies ahead, some people live this way and I donâ€™t know how they do it. I like to know where the next check will come from and where we will be living.
I sound dramatic and believe me, in the past year Iâ€™ve tried to look on the bright side and that is the only way I made it to where I am now. I donâ€™t know how much of that is optimism or denial, either way, whatever gets you to the other side.
I try to think of how we can cut down our life. We hardly ever go out to shows of any kind and we rarely ever go out for dinner, if we do itâ€™s just breakfast at a little diner. The only bills we have are what everyone else has like electricity, mortgage, cable, food and of course credit cards. What does one do in this kind of situation? Do we start to live off of peanut butter and jelly and macaroni and cheese? Do we give up the internet? Do we live by candlelight?
These are the things that run through my mind and have been for a long time now. Iâ€™m afraid people look at us like itâ€™s our fault, like itâ€™s my husbandâ€™s fault he canâ€™t find a job. I would give anything to go back to a year ago and have his job safe and sound. I would give anything to go back to living paycheck to paycheck. But what heâ€™s trained for is just not in existence anymore, that is a fact. Heâ€™s really not trained to do anything else.
I only hope he can get a retail job and we can keep things afloat but how long do we do that? Surely that canâ€™t last forever. I keep hoping that things will work themselves out, however that is. Iâ€™m just glad to know that in the end I can still come home to my husband and my 2 furkids.
At least I have that.