The Kind of Mom

Well said…

It is a job you sign up for and you have for the rest of your/their life. There is no Vacation, sick days, personal days; everyday is about them. Are they safe, happy, and healthy?

Make sure that you are sure that you want the job before you commit to it…

I’m lucky, too. I mean, for the most part. Poor Erik.

@Gemini, and it’s not over just because they grow up and don’t need you like they used to.

@Amanda, Luckily he’s everything to me so he has that at least.

I agree with Gemini – I wish that more people would take the time to make sure they want to be a parent before they become one.

It really does turn your life upside down, but if you let it, if you go with it, if you embrace the changes in your life, you can discover (at least I did) that your sense of self expands as you reach out to help others (and, of course, this can be done in other ways besides raising children) and as you witness and (try to) guide your children as they grow & learn about life.

Sounds like Erik’s mom is kind of stuck in a place where she can’t see this, isn’t ready to grow or see beyond herself. That’s sad for her and for her children.

And, of course, after some reflection I realize that if only the emotionally healthy & whole had children, our population would have dropped off to nothing, centuries ago. Jim’s fond of saying that there are almost 7 billion unique personality disorders out there in the world…

So, rather than being prepared, emotionally, to be parent – perhaps it’s more about having the ability to learn & grow & take on the challenges whether you’re ready or not. I know that I wasn’t aware of the changes I’d be putting myself through, but I do know that I was wanting to do it, no matter where it brought me.

@MaureenN, It just makes me sad.

I don’t know the entire story of what happened, but I get the gist of it. I was an accident that my parents decided to keep. When I look at photo albums from my very early childhood, especially from when I first arrived in the US after being separated from them for about a year, it’s clear how guilty they felt because I was lavished with toys. In every picture I’m surrounded by toys. I’m sure there was love in the mix there somewhere, too.

Up until my 30s, I wish I had the kind of mom you described. After years of therapy, I finally accepted that I never would, at least not from my own mother. I might have that type of nurturing from relationships with other women, like my MIL, but really, it just isn’t the same.

I’d go through periods of time spending years not having any contact whatsoever with my mother. Those were usually after she did/said something that really hurt me. The pain wasn’t worth the time spent around her.

Now, I know what to expect and have actually enjoyed our last few visits. Maybe it’s because she and my dad finally split up. Maybe it’s because I’ve grown a thicker skin (not likely). But it isn’t because she’s become the mom I’ve always wanted. Maybe those periods away were a good thing.

I hope Erik and his mom can be in that place, too.

There’s a happy medium in there somewhere. I moved here to Hell to be closer to my daughter & grandkids, & have put them first every time I’ve been asked to. Not a big deal, because I really have no life here. But that’s the thing. Every time I think about moving further away again, I feel guilt because I won’t be here when they need me. So (because of my SELF-INFLICTED guilt), my life is on hold until my grandkids grow up. I’m truly blessed to be this close & have them in my life – don’t get me wrong. But there is life out there for me as well. Happy medium.

@Tugs, Oh I don’t mean that every moment of your life forever should be all about your kids and grandkids. I mean that when there is something wrong, when they are sick or really in need I assume you’d do whatever you could and not be thinking about yourself but them. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m only thinking about how my mom is.