I don’t know if it’s because I’m a woman or if it’s just because I think way too much for any human being but I contemplate the whole child vs. childfree thing on a regular basis. I’m not going to lie, I’m not 100% certain about what I want or don’t want. I feel like as far as the childfree movement I should be sure and confident but either decision to me is a huge one to make, one not to take lightly.
On a regular basis I feel the childfree option is the right one for me. I am not a patient person, I have depression and anxiety, I work 1 hour away from home, my husband doesn’t have a job, we pay child support, I need a lot of space and I fight my laziness on a daily basis. That is just a fraction of the reasons for me to be and stay childfree.
Sometimes however I imagine having a child *gasp* probably because of my age and that so many of my friends are having children. Then again some of my friends having children is part of the reason why I think I don’t want any. When it seems to me that the moment my friends have children all they can think about or talk about is their children and that is not what I want to become.
Most people at work who have children have their cubicles decorated with pictures of their little ones but not one of their husbands. This makes me sad. I adore my husband, more than I can ever express, I’m not sure I want to love anyone more. Is that weird?
Then I hang out with a friend of mine, who makes motherhood look so beautiful and natural and real. She doesn’t pretend to know what she’s doing, she just does what she needs to do from one moment to the next. She doesn’t ooh and ahh over her children or tell me why motherhood is so amazing, it’s just a natural part of who she is.
Seeing how she was, imperfections and all, hit a part of me I ignore most of the time. A part of me that can appreciate that bond. I know my friend thinks her parenting skills are lacking but I was amazed at the person she’d become from the girl I knew back in 7th grade. She is not someone I would have ever thought would make a good mother but she does, without even trying it seems.
And then I come home and say hi to my husband with a big hug, he’s smiling his gorgeous smile that I fell in love with years ago. I go and say hi to Aurora who is napping on the bed all curled into a ball. I hug her and kiss her, she hisses at me but I tell her I love her anyway. Maybe her hiss is her way of saying she loves me
Then I find Pilot wandering in from outside covered in dirt and looking up at me with his big green eyes. I pick him up and snuzzle him until he begs for release. I tell him I love him too and that I will hug him later whether he likes it or not. He runs off to his food bowl and I just smile, he has a swagger and it’s the funniest thing.
Part of me thinks I’m missing out or that I’m just part of the way towards a decision of motherhood and another part of me thinks I’m as much of a mother as I ever need to be. I don’t know, I have a feeling I will never really know what is the right choice for me. I know that right now being childfree is right and that being a mother to my cats brings me all the joy I need. I may not be a conventional mother but all that matters to me is that Aurora and Pilot know me as their mother.
So, for now, I’ll watch Aurora sleep and pet Pilot as he sits between me and my laptop. I’ll make fun of my husband for something he did and he’ll make me laugh again and again. This life, right now, feels right and that is all I can ask for.