I don’t know if it’s because I’m a woman or if it’s just because I think way too much for any human being but I contemplate the whole child vs. childfree thing on a regular basis. I’m not going to lie, I’m not 100% certain about what I want or don’t want. I feel like as far as the childfree movement I should be sure and confident but either decision to me is a huge one to make, one not to take lightly.

On a regular basis I feel the childfree option is the right one for me. I am not a patient person, I have depression and anxiety, I work 1 hour away from home, my husband doesn’t have a job, we pay child support, I need a lot of space and I fight my laziness on a daily basis. That is just a fraction of the reasons for me to be and stay childfree.

Sometimes however I imagine having a child *gasp* probably because of my age and that so many of my friends are having children. Then again some of my friends having children is part of the reason why I think I don’t want any. When it seems to me that the moment my friends have children all they can think about or talk about is their children and that is not what I want to become.

Most people at work who have children have their cubicles decorated with pictures of their little ones but not one of their husbands. This makes me sad. I adore my husband, more than I can ever express, I’m not sure I want to love anyone more. Is that weird?

Then I hang out with a friend of mine, who makes motherhood look so beautiful and natural and real. She doesn’t pretend to know what she’s doing, she just does what she needs to do from one moment to the next. She doesn’t ooh and ahh over her children or tell me why motherhood is so amazing, it’s just a natural part of who she is.

Seeing how she was, imperfections and all, hit a part of me I ignore most of the time. A part of me that can appreciate that bond. I know my friend thinks her parenting skills are lacking but I was amazed at the person she’d become from the girl I knew back in 7th grade. She is not someone I would have ever thought would make a good mother but she does, without even trying it seems.

And then I come home and say hi to my husband with a big hug, he’s smiling his gorgeous smile that I fell in love with years ago. I go and say hi to Aurora who is napping on the bed all curled into a ball. I hug her and kiss her, she hisses at me but I tell her I love her anyway. Maybe her hiss is her way of saying she loves me :wink:

Then I find Pilot wandering in from outside covered in dirt and looking up at me with his big green eyes. I pick him up and snuzzle him until he begs for release. I tell him I love him too and that I will hug him later whether he likes it or not. He runs off to his food bowl and I just smile, he has a swagger and it’s the funniest thing.

Part of me thinks I’m missing out or that I’m just part of the way towards a decision of motherhood and another part of me thinks I’m as much of a mother as I ever need to be. I don’t know, I have a feeling I will never really know what is the right choice for me. I know that right now being childfree is right and that being a mother to my cats brings me all the joy I need. I may not be a conventional mother but all that matters to me is that Aurora and Pilot know me as their mother.

So, for now, I’ll watch Aurora sleep and pet Pilot as he sits between me and my laptop. I’ll make fun of my husband for something he did and he’ll make me laugh again and again. This life, right now, feels right and that is all I can ask for.

  • http://darnedtoheck.blogspot.com/ Grant

    If I ever feel a need to spawn, I just go to a public place like the supermarket and watch the parents deal with their brats. A few minutes of that cures my need.

    But you should go ahead and breed. If you don’t like having a child later, you can always return it.

    • http://lifeisnotamovie.net Robin

      @Grant, that will sure do it. everytime I got to Target I come out proudly childfree.

  • http://bloggochicago.com Barb

    Robin, you took the words right out of my month. I struggle with this as well, but most of the time I side with not wanting children for a number of reasons, some of which you’ve mentioned. Then I saw this episode of E.R. the other night and was like, hmm…I don’t think I’d want to give childbirth after all. It was stressful just watching, and it’s TV!

    • http://bloggochicago.com Barb

      P.S. – There’s a link there, btw — “this episode.”

      • http://lifeisnotamovie.net Robin

        @Barb, the birthing part doesn’t really scare me, i mean it does but not enough not to do it. that episode does sound scary though but teenagers scare me more.

  • http://www.bubblewench.com/ bubblewench

    I can’t even comment cause I’ll probably cry. Mine was a dual decision. My health issues (depression, anxiety combined with weight and laziness), but then my doc told me that I cannot have kids at all.

    I’m ok with that. And I think long term, it will be better for me and my hubs, our 5 cats, 4 birds and our life goals.

    hell, I KNOW it will be.

    Great post.

    • http://lifeisnotamovie.net Robin

      @bubblewench, yeah i don’t even know if i could if i wanted to. that would be ironic. if i came to a decision to have kids and then found out i couldn’t…that sounds like my life.

  • http://www.bubblewench.com/ bubblewench

    I love how I started that as “I can’t even comment…” then totally rambled. Me = fail. LOL! :)

  • http://tugsphotos.wordpress.com Tug

    Kids aren’t for everyone, and if you’re not ready or undecided, there’s nothin’ wrong with that! I wanted 4, but being divorced kinda put a crimp in that plan – I wasn’t in any position to afford more, so now I just steal my nephews & grandkids. ;-)

    • http://lifeisnotamovie.net Robin

      @Tug, I really do look forward to my brother having kids, hopefully he’ll knock his girlfriend up soon (j/k)

  • http://www.brightestblue.wordpress.com Hannah

    “This life, right now, feels right and that is all I can ask for.”

    I feel the exact same way. Why rush into having kids when there is so much else to enjoy right now? :)

    • http://lifeisnotamovie.net Robin

      @Hannah, Yes, now if only I had the luxury of traveling as much as I wanted to.

  • http://www.rachelsroad.com Rachel

    I struggle with this same thing ALL the time. I’m 31 and most of my friends actually don’t have kids, but I think that’s just a generational ‘thing’ and that they will in the next few years.

    I mostly wonder if I could handle it given my issues with depression and anxiet. I teach elementary school, LOVE children (even the difficult ones) and always saw myself having kids, but my anxiety blow up this summer has really thrown me for a loop.
    I feel the same as you…that I might never know for sure what the right answer is. We’ll just have to wait and see.

    • http://lifeisnotamovie.net Robin

      @Rachel, it’s all part of the journey, i have no idea what direction i will go next but i certainly have no gps for my life :balloon:

  • http://www.hotpieceofsass.com One Sassy Girl

    This is such an honest post on a circling thought process we’ve ALL been through. It’s a tough decision to make, and probably one that will always waiver. I want kids, just don’t have any yet and am loving life without them. I fear not having the choice some day – meaning if I don’t meet the right man or discover fertility issues. At least, in the end, I know I’ll be as happy without kids in the future as I am now. Different situations, but a lot of the same feelings :)

    • http://lifeisnotamovie.net Robin

      @One Sassy Girl, enjoying like, before anything, is most important.

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