Marriage Shouldn’t Be A Chore

While I don’t believe that marriage should be easy I also don’t think it shouldn’t be so hard. After reading this post and reading the comments I got the very real feeling that women watch the show and see their own relationship. This just doesn’t sit right with me but maybe some women who are married with children can enlighten me.

I’m amazed that some people actually watch the show and think “poor Kate”. People actually watch the show and do not see that this woman berrates her husband. They don’t see that she tells him what to say and what to do? How is that?

Watch this clip

(not embedable, yes i made up that word)

Do you really believe that the way she talks to her husband is “normal”? That it’s ok? Is it normal for a husband to cower away from his wife looking humiliated?

I’m not going to pretend I know the truth about Jon and Kate and quite honestly I don’t even think they really know the truth, which is why I think they need to stop the charade and get some help before the kids are the real fallout of this entire thing. I also don’t think a finger can be pointed at one person, I think it takes 2 people to fuck up their relationship.

But what I really want to know is do you really believe that marriage is supposed to be that hard? Should you be fighting for your marriage every single day? Should you suffer that much and be that miserable in the hopes of trying to make it work? If so, that really makes me sad.

I know marriage isn’t easy and I can only imagine it’s that much harder with children involved. I’ve always believed that making a marriage entirely about the children is a mistake. I believe that if you ignore your relationship long enough the cracks will start to show and that making a relationship work soley for the children is a distaster waiting to happen.

I also must add (and I know I could get stoned for this) I really do believe your marriage should come first, before the children. If you can’t work as a team how the hell are you going to take care of your children?

Am I naive? What are your thoughts?


  1. Turnbaby

    May 28, 2009 at 7:44 am

    You are SPOT ON in saying that this is NOT a normal marriage or relationship. One of the reasons I make a living doing Family Law is because people allow the importance of their relationship being strong to be subsumed by the children.

    I don’t watch this show but just by looking at the clips you can see the body language and KNOW that they are very far apart. They don’t like touching and it is hugely apparent. She is HORRIBLE to him. I was in a marriage where I walked on eggshells every day. That is no way to go through life.

    1. Robin

      May 28, 2009 at 7:56 am

      @Turnbaby, nobody knows this as well as a family lawyer :lmao: i know that my husband was in a marriage like that, walking on eggshells and afraid to say anything. that is no marriage. now he has a voice and he can laugh and we touch all the time…that’s what everyone should have. everyone should really :hug: their partner every single day. Like a really long hug.

  2. Mokona

    May 28, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Amen to this. I feel bad for the both of them, and most of all for those kids. I can’t even watch that show, she comes across as such a mean, controlling, belittling person. A great role model for kids.

    And I agree, the marriage should come first. Otherwise it’s just not fair to yourself, to your spouse, or to the kids.

    People argue and belittle people who are so “selfish” to get divorced, but what kind of example are you making for your kids either way? Being codependent or sticking with someone that makes you absolutely miserable just because you had children together? As a child, I think that would make me feel worse!

    It’s tough, but they need to get off the tv and into some serious counseling.

    1. Robin

      May 28, 2009 at 12:19 pm

      @Mokona, I hate when people say they are “staying together for the kids” because there is nothing good about having parents that treat each other like shit.

  3. Avitable

    May 28, 2009 at 11:46 am

    The only times I’ve seen clips from that show, Kate absolutely shoots her husband down constantly. That’s not a healthy relationship.

    1. ed

      May 28, 2009 at 5:16 pm

      @Avitable, i agree avitable, thats all i’ve ever seen of it too

  4. Maureen

    May 28, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    I don’t watch the show & I can’t watch clips from here at work, so I can’t base my answers on Jon & Kate.

    I don’t think anyone should be in a relationship with any other person who doesn’t respect them as an individual and value them as a partner. And, I think that respect and valuing (word?) must be mutual. If it’s mutual – if each admires the other’s journey, experience & contributions to their life, then each will work to let the other know they are respected and valued. And, each will feel confident, supported, appreciated, loved, which will feed their desire to support & appreciate the other.

    The circle is so easily broken, though, and usually it’s broken because of fear, low self confidence, poor communication or dishonesty (or a combination of all of those). And, in my experience, those are the times when we have to put concious work into maintaining our relationship. Hopefully, we don’t both hit that afraid, insecure, misunderstanding feeding depression point at the same time. It’s best when one of us is clear-minded & confident enough at these rocky times to grab the other’s hand, keep their head above water & pull them to shore. But, when we’re not – if each of us is in the midst of our own personal insecurity crisis at the same time – it *does* take some emotional work to get us both to see the other as supportive, trustworthy, loving, respected partner again -and- to see ourselves as deserving of that partner in our lives.

    Being parents together is no different, to me, than ‘being homeowners together’ or ‘joining dance class together’ or ‘being missionaries together’ or ‘learning spanish together’ or ‘being pet owners together’. In a relationship, each partner could do each of these things on their own, but, then they don’t have as much support from their partner in this aspect of their lives. Jim & I support each other as parents. We love parenting together. We both believe that our responsibility as parents is temporary, but extremely important – for the kids and for our own sense of pride & accomplishment. If we’re doing this, we’re going to try our best to give it our all & do it right – throw our hearts & lives into it.

    But, we’re doing it *together*, so it’s more fun, fulfilling, facing the challenges, sharing the awe of parenting brings us closer together, makes our relationship stronger.

    Raising the kids 100% right now is *part of our marriage*, it’s part of what we’re doing together in our marriage. Neither is first. They are entwined.

    1. Robin

      May 28, 2009 at 12:19 pm

      @Maureen, You always say it all so well, you really should write a book.

  5. HermanTurnip

    May 28, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    Definitely a cringe-worthy clip. I feel nothing but sympathy for Jon. I’m sure that raising eight kids at once is a herculean task, but to snap at your husband like that? I wonder who’s going to get the swanky house they have once the divorce is finalized?

    1. Robin

      May 29, 2009 at 7:59 am

      @HermanTurnip, she’ll get everything, 90% of the time the woman does.

  6. bluepaintred

    May 28, 2009 at 10:44 pm

    I did not read the other comments before mine. I might go back and read them, Might not though. im kind of lazy. There are a few things you said, a few questions that i want to address though:

    But what I really want to know is do you really believe that marriage is supposed to be that hard? marriage is not easy. You don’t slip a ring on someones finger and expect things to be all unicorns and kitties. No matter what vows or what commitments made, and even though marriage is the act of uniting two people, no two people are alike in every respect. No matter how much love or how much faith you put into your partner, you will, eventually, have a difference of opinion. In that respect, marriage can be hard. it can be hard to step back and say “hey, he has a valid point, we need to try this way” Since marriage works best when the lines of communication are WIDE open, there should be an equal discussion, with both sides giving their point of view on any given matter.

    Should you be fighting for your marriage every single day? Uhm. Not fighting fighting, but nonetheless, every day you wage a war FOR your marriage. Each time you hug your partner or walk past and gently run your finger over their back. When you offer them a cup of coffee, or start the car for them on an early winter day, those acts of kindness are ways of fighting for your marriage. The MINUTE either partner stops fighting for it, the relationship is doomed. Respect and kindness. sometimes those two things are MORE important than love.

    Should you suffer that much and be that miserable in the hopes of trying to make it work? No. never. and don’t give me the bullshit line “we stay together for the kids” Whatthefuckever. kids know. They can feel the tension. they see that mom and dad aren’t hugging any more, that they dont say I love you. and whats worse, they LEARN that this is the way a marriage should be. cold and scary and full of anger. If neither couple is happy, the relationship is over. Not to say that the players need to be happy 24/7, but you need to sit down and ask yourself “what percentage of the time am I happy?” and answer honestly.

    I also must add (and I know I could get stoned for this) I really do believe your marriage should come first, before the children. If you can’t work as a team how the hell are you going to take care of your children? Marriage, (or partnership, because I think a couple can be just as committed, though not as legally protected without a marriage certificate) doesn’t need to come first. it is not a race between adults and children. There is no Us team and Them team, we are a family and we all work together. A family should be working on all aspects of their different relationships daily. Respect and kindness, from all parties.

    1. Robin

      May 29, 2009 at 8:03 am

      @bluepaintred, i love when you have an opinion BPR 🙂 Anyway, I hope I didn’t come across by saying that marriage/relationships were easy, hell the fuck NO. My husband pisses me off all the time and vice versa and we have to come to agreements and just simply take time. I just mean it seems to me it shouldn’t be THAT hard all the time. It shouldn’t be a constant chore to keep a marriage together. And no I don’t think it’s a race but I think so many people have kids and forget about each other and they should be a team. I guess team is a better way of putting it but if more marriages worked together first then maybe more of them would last. I only know from my perspective and how it seems to me. But I was in NO way trying to say that it should be easy. I know that story well. Granted the majority of our problems were before we technically got married and had to do with his divorce but I suppose I’m just lucky to have been thrown a shitstorm during the first 3 years of our relationship :lmao:

  7. DutchBitch

    May 29, 2009 at 4:58 am

    OMFG that is horrible!!! Eeeekkk!!! That’s all I am going to say about it… urgghhh

    1. Robin

      May 29, 2009 at 8:04 am

      @DutchBitch, it’s just awful to see, makes you cringe :what:

  8. Hannah

    May 29, 2009 at 8:08 am

    Those people are so crazy! Or perhaps I should say SHE is so crazy! I hate how she talks AT him like he’s one of the kids. So rude and patronizing!

    I think they should get couples therapy and then she should get some therapy individually to get over her extreme OCD and control issues!

  9. Tara

    May 29, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Yes, she is controlling and belittling. But he ALLOWS her to be. He is just as unhealthy as she. She mothers him and he ALLOWS her to do it. Eggshells or not, he has taught her it’s OK to talk to him that way. He needs to stand up for himself, in a healthy way. But he doesn’t. They BOTH need help.

    Marriage to me is a team sport. You have to work together. Sometimes, one pulls more weight than the other. But eventually that balances everything out. If one partner does all the work, etc., it isn’t going to work. Resentment is a horrible thing…

    1. Robin

      May 29, 2009 at 11:48 am

      @Tara, Didn’t I say that? I thought I mentioned that he doesn’t stand up for himself and has let it get to that point. I don’t know, somehow I always feel like I never quite get my point across from my head onto the computer. It’s true though, he just tends to roll his eyes and sigh, he needs to stand up and say “stop speaking to me like that” or whatever.

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