The “Real” Me
When you feel uncomfortable in your own skin how do you properly function in the world around you? When you feel like you are wearing skin that isn’t yours that suffocates you, how can you be yourself?
That’s how I feel most days, most of the time I feel trapped inside this body that isn’t my own. When people don’t understand why I have become so anti-social, this is a big part of it. How do you explain this to someone who has never felt this way?
Say you got this costume for Halloween. It’s a really scary/ugly monster and when you try to take it off it won’t come off. You pull, you try to tear it off and you even scream but it just won’t budge. So you have to walk around with this hideous costume on and you are hidden inside of it, nobody can see the real you.
You feel as though everyone is staring at you horrified, even if they are not. You feel as though you stand out everywhere you go, that you can’t just blend into the background. You can’t go around to every single person you see and explain to them that this isn’t really you, you’re hidden inside and can’t get out.
That is how I feel on an average day; however, some days aren’t so bad. Some days I can ignore the skin that isn’t mine or I can try to pretend it is mine and that it’s ok. But my reality (different from actual reality) always comes back whether I like it or not.
I keep trying to dig out the real me but I often wonder if the “real me” disappeared long ago, back when I tried to create what I thought I should be. Maybe this, right now, is who I am and I just don’t want to accept it. Maybe I just can’t accept it.