The “Real” Me

When you feel uncomfortable in your own skin how do you properly function in the world around you? When you feel like you are wearing skin that isn’t yours that suffocates you, how can you be yourself?

That’s how I feel most days, most of the time I feel trapped inside this body that isn’t my own. When people don’t understand why I have become so anti-social, this is a big part of it. How do you explain this to someone who has never felt this way?

Say you got this costume for Halloween. It’s a really scary/ugly monster and when you try to take it off it won’t come off. You pull, you try to tear it off and you even scream but it just won’t budge. So you have to walk around with this hideous costume on and you are hidden inside of it, nobody can see the real you.

You feel as though everyone is staring at you horrified, even if they are not. You feel as though you stand out everywhere you go, that you can’t just blend into the background. You can’t go around to every single person you see and explain to them that this isn’t really you, you’re hidden inside and can’t get out.

That is how I feel on an average day; however, some days aren’t so bad. Some days I can ignore the skin that isn’t mine or I can try to pretend it is mine and that it’s ok. But my reality (different from actual reality) always comes back whether I like it or not.

I keep trying to dig out the real me but I often wonder if the “real me” disappeared long ago, back when I tried to create what I thought I should be. Maybe this, right now, is who I am and I just don’t want to accept it. Maybe I just can’t accept it.

13 Comments

  1. Gwen

    May 5, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    I know it sounds horribly cliche, but I know exactly how you feel. That describes most of my life, actually. Only just recently have I started to feel a little more like me and even that isn’t enough most days.
    I think that’s why I like writing so much and why my art means so much to me. It’s a way for me to present who I am, for people (the smart ones anyway) to see me. I used to feel like I was hiding behind it, now I’m starting to understand that I’m living through it.
    Maybe that’s wrong.
    I honestly don’t know.
    Either way, I think you’re super awesome fun times and I wish you lived a fuck of a lot closer.

    1. Robin

      May 5, 2009 at 6:15 pm

      @Gwen, It’s always nice to hear that someone can understand. Oh and it’s awesome to know another side of you, makes you that much cooler :gwen:

      1. Gwen

        May 5, 2009 at 7:43 pm

        @Robin, I think we both know that’s not possible. 😉
        :gwen:

  2. Avitable

    May 5, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    That has to be hard. Have you ever sat down and tried to figure out what you could do to let the real you out and why you feel that way?

    1. Robin

      May 5, 2009 at 6:17 pm

      @Avitable, Oh I know where it comes from and what it is, it’s the weight I gained over the years. It’s never felt comfortable on me at all, I don’t feel comfortable the way I am.

  3. Tug

    May 5, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    I learned long ago (I’m old, remember?) that my body isn’t ‘me’…if that makes sense. It took me awhile to love who I am – I went through the whole young/partying/not the best mother thing when I was younger…moved on to single, have to be the tough mom ’cause there’s no dad…and I blamed a lot of that on myself and didn’t like me. (some deserved, some not) I’ve since gained weight, lost weight, etc. etc. etc… and learned to love *me*. Size and shape don’t matter…who I am, and what I do with myself does.

    I hope you find that, you’re really an awesome person!

    1. Robin

      May 6, 2009 at 12:34 pm

      @Tug, I hope someday I can. I think I was able to at one point like 20-30 lbs ago but at this point I’m not sure it’s possible, I’m not sure how. Thanks for that though :hug:

  4. Hannah

    May 6, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    What I struggle with is being forced to assume a new, ‘plastic faced’ persona while at work. I work hard and try to be polite, but there is a type of “model, bullshitting employee” mold that I feel pressured to become and resent it.

    1. Robin

      May 6, 2009 at 12:51 pm

      @Hannah, That has to be hard, I think we all have to kind of mold to a different persona at work but luckily I just avoid people a lot so i don’t have to assume another role most of the time.

  5. gemini

    May 7, 2009 at 11:19 am

    Hug….

    I know that you think that I couldn’t truly understand what you mean or what you are going through… (And maybe that is just me not you thinking that, I do get paranoid every once and a while)

    But I completely know, understand and feel what you are going through! I feel like that in my body too!

    It doesn’t seem Right to me that 10 years ago I was a size 1 running 5 miles a day. Now I am getting close to weighing double what I did back then and I am failing at the C25K (it does help if you stick to it like you and Crystal are)…

    But even worse then the weight gain and the out of shape body that everyone sees… I am trapped even further … (you and I have talked about this before)

    You can talk about how you feel about it all… (I totally commend you on it) I am so compartmentalized I think that it is going to take a Puzzle master to put me back the way I should be…

    The Unhealthy, chubby costume on the out side is an unfeeling robot. A complete Control freak. I don’t mean that she controls everyone else and what they are doing… she just controls my feelings and if they ever get to come out and surface.

    So I feel ya… and I hope that you can either come to terms with your costume or shed it… Maybe you will inspire my Unhealthy, chubby, Control freak to allow some of the pieces to fall back into their right place.

    love ya little sis!

    your big sis.. 😉

    1. Robin

      June 2, 2009 at 9:45 am

      @gemini, While I appreciate you empathising it’s frustrating because in your position you don’t even have a clue. Sorry to say, not to be mean just being honest. I’m 70+ lbs overweight, you are in a position where it’s totally managable and you can fit in normal clothes. I know I’m in a pity party, it sucks but I have to attack the reality first and then deal with it. I appreciate you always listening though.

      1. gemini

        June 2, 2009 at 11:51 am

        yup I suppose that is what I am here for… 🙂

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