Dear Person With Stick Up Ass:
Please see a doctor about removing that very large and obviously obtrusive stick that is lodged in your rectum. It can’t be comfortable or pleasant, which explains why you are such a complete douche.
I understand that things in your life suck, such as the lung you can’t seem to cough up no matter how many cigarettes you smoke. I totally get that it’s rather depressing to look 83 when you are in your early sixties, I feel for you. I also get that you are set in your ways and want everything to be your way. Trust me, I can be the same way. Just please, go have a drink or get laid or go have target practice, just don’t take it out on me.
Also, please get your head together and decide exactly what you want before you chew my head off. Do you want me to do more work? Sure, I can help. Wait, no, now I’m doing too much work? Make up your fucking mind. You can’t complain about both.
Maybe you should just write a rule book so I can follow it word for word. Screw the bible, I will follow your word. Or maybe you’d just rather I ask your opinion on what I should do next? Should I have a Smart Ones for lunch or a Lean Cuisine? Should I wear grey today or maybe blue? Listen, I’m going to need your cell phone number so I can contact you at night to check if I should have sex with my husband.
It’s obvious you know better than me, I’m just a kid. So if you could just write it all down for me or counsel me on a daily basis that would be great.