Let’s settle this once and for all!
Mr. Fabulous here. Today I am going to settle once and for all the oft-asked question: Who is the greatest Robin of all time?
What? No one asks that? I’m fairly certain you are wrong about that.
Let’s run down the Robins, shall we? I have chosen the Top Ten Robins of all time. We will examine the case for each.
Robin Quivers. Please. A no-talent second banana to no-talent Howard Stern? If this bitch hadn’t somehow lucked into that gig (my theory is that she BJ’d her way into it–give a job, get a job) she’d be working the register at the Massapequa Dollar Store.
Robin Williams. It is SO over for Robin Williams. When was the last time he made you laugh? It’s the same old schtick with this guy. And the only reason he is vaguely interesting in dramatic roles is because it’s such a welcome change from the manic tired impressions that make us want to stick a steak knife into his aorta.
Robin Ventura. Ha! He played a long time, but he is still best known for being the putz who charged the mound after he thought a Nolan Ryan fastball came too close to him, and he promptly got a beatdown from my man Nolan. You don’t fuck with Nolan Ryan.
Robin the Boy Wonder. Gay. Which is fine, except that he pretends he isn’t. Look how ripped he is. And he wears spandex. I’d respect him more if he would just admit that he likes it up the ass. Plus he is totally riding on Batman’s coattails. Or cape. Whatever.
Robin Hood. Also gay. Also in the closet. And don’t talk to me about Maid Marion. She was totally a beard. Listen, the dude hung out with a bunch of men in the woods. They all dressed alike. They drank together. They played together. Get the picture?
Christopher Robin. Do I even need to say it? They are ALL gay in those stories. Winnie the Pooh? They call him that because of his fondness for scat play. Again, there is nothing wrong with it but for the love of God, just come clean about it already!
Robin Yount. Okay, sure, he’s in the Hall of Fame. But come on, he played his whole career in Milwaukee. Does anyone even know where Milwaukee is? Does it even really exist? If it does, I am pretty sure that it’s either the third or fourth circle of Hell.
Robin Wright. Eh. She was in one good movie, The Princess Bride. Don’t talk to me about Forrest Gump. Best Picture my ass. Pulp Fiction was robbed that year. And she was pretty much just window dressing in Bride. Nobody quotes any of her lines.
Robin. You know, the bird. Fuck him. There is hardly any meat on those things at all. And you’ll never get all the bones out of it before you try to eat it. You are guaranteed to get some bird bones lodged in your throat, trust me. Stupid Robin.
THE Robin. NOW we are talking. She is the home to The Wonder Twins. She’s hot and sexy and snarky and sarcastic and she can dance circles around you. She makes her own smilies. She can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. Although…I am pretty sure thar Erik does most of the grocery shopping and the cooking. Regardless.
Here is how they finish:
1. THE Robin
2. Robin Wright
3. Robin Williams
4. Robin the Boy Wonder.
6. Robin Yount
7. Robin Hood
8. Robin Ventura
9. Robin Quivers
10. Christopher Robin