What to Expect on Your Wedding Night

Ahhh Weddings. Everyone loves a wedding! Wait, that’s not right. Cake! Everyone loves cake. It’s why we go to weddings!

Well, except for the groom, he goes to the wedding for the wedding night!

Speaking of Wedding Nights, I’d like to take this opportunity to share MINE with the World Wide Interwebs!

After our wedding, which was nice and shit, expect for the heat, the bugs, and my father walking me down the isle singing “Here comes the bride big fat and wide“, we had a reception. Which was nice and shit, except for the 50 year old man sliding his had down my wedding dress to grab my boob, twice, the too tight shoes and the cake my dickwad husband mushed into my face.

ANYWAY. After all that fun stuff we attempted to drive to the hotel for a night of now church sanctioned sexual intercourse. But a funny thing happened that night when we removed the chocolate mints from our pillows and climbed into that king size bed and snuggled into the 6 million thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

We fell asleep.

And the moral of the story?

If you wanna get some on your wedding night, take the time to schedule in a nap.

  1. Avitable

    June 20, 2008 at 10:06 am

    Same here! We were out before our heads hit the pillows.

  2. Gwen

    June 20, 2008 at 11:08 am

    Oh, so that’s what happens on you wedding night! The way everyone kept going on about it I always assumed it was something dirty. Damn my terrible gutter mind!

  3. bluepaintred

    June 20, 2008 at 11:14 am

    @Avitable – really? My excuse was that i was eight zillion months pregnant! What was yours?

    @Gwen – I always expected more on my wedding night too…but the bed was SO comfy!

  4. Bucky

    June 20, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    The Wife and I went to Applebees, then went home and told everyone we got married.

    Fun Times.

  5. themuttprincess

    June 20, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    I think it is pretty common!!!

  6. Jen

    June 20, 2008 at 1:12 pm

    We fell asleep too, after it took me 2 hours to remove 4,912,599,491 bobby pins from my hair!

  7. bluepaintred

    June 20, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    @TMP – Hmm. Does anyone get laid on their wedding nights? ANYONE??!

    @Jen – OMG! the worst part was that! STUPID pins!

  8. Cheri

    June 20, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    Aww I was expecting a different ending. So do we get to hear the morning after story now?? LOL :thumbsup:

  9. Robin

    June 20, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    Oh boy, I went to all these classes, read all these books, bought all these negligees and toys and practiced with ketchup bottles….that was all for nothing?

  10. bluepaintred

    June 20, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    @Robin – well you can always take a na – wait… Ketchup Bottle?

  11. bluepaintred

    June 20, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    @Cheri – sorry I missed you! The morning after story is full of us forgetting to set the hotel alarm, panicking, me finding out I had no brush to do my hair as we raced to the reception hall – only to face “sure you slept in, uh huh, we believe you ” Looks all day.

    Good times

  12. Gwen

    June 21, 2008 at 12:38 am

    Blue, I totally forgot to mention it earlier – I am absolutely lovin’ that Saskatchewan has taken over The Road.
    Sask Represent, bitches! :rock:

    -G :gwen:

  13. Tori

    June 21, 2008 at 4:25 am

    this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this story… that’s why that whole “no sex before marriage” rule… never gonna work for me!

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