Learning Plus Size

In my adolescent years I was chubby but then I also didn’t know better than to eat carbs in and out all day long. I lost a ton of weight around 17 years old but it wasn’t the healthy way. I had always dreamed of being thin and to finally be that I was beyond thrilled. Although I must admit, I really wasn’t any happier. I obsessed about staying skinny, only getting unhealthier and putting my life at risk.

This went on for years into college until I got into a serious relationship in my Junior year. I started not obsessing and letting things go a little. I ballooned up pretty quickly getting back to the size I had been in early high school. I got really depressed. I was put on Wellbutrin and lost a lot of weight again but then I was living unhealthily again. I ended up getting so badly dehydrated I had to take time off of school because I couldn’t swallow (haha yeah blow jobs whatever).

By the time I met Erik I was on the extra curvy side and of course thought I was a whale. I’m now a lot more than that. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in the skin of a plus size person, I still cringe to say it but it’s true. I have it so locked in my head that I can’t be this way, that this isn’t me. That until I lose weight I’m ugly or just plain wrong. Like I have a fat suit on I can’t take off.

I think the really hard part is I feel this is not how I am supposed to be. I have a tiny frame, I’m petite. I look at myself and see I have tiny feet and tiny hands and my head isn’t even very big so I don’t think it looks right, I think it looks like it’s so very very wrong.

With the wedding approaching and having to wear a wedding dress I’ve been through all the emotions. Sometimes I think I’m a big fat cow that will be horrifying in a wedding dress and sometimes I think while I’m extra extra curvy I’m still pretty sexy or at least I make it work. It’s a constant up and down thing for me, every day is different.

But somehow I am slowly (very slowly) coming to accept it. With my health issues and genes I will probably never be petite again. I might but at this point it’s unlikely. I know I won’t be thin for my wedding and that’s a hard pill to swallow because I kind of feel like I failed myself and everyone else. I think everyday how I HOPE everyone still thinks I look beautiful even though I didn’t get the weight off.

Maybe this whole thing in part is a lesson for me, to accept what I am and who I am and where I am. That this is me for a reason. That it doesn’t have to be the end of the world and that the love of my life loves me exactly the way I am.

I haven’t gotten to complete acceptance but some days I feel almost okay about it, I sometimes almost have peace. I figure that’s something, right?

And if after this you still haven’t seen my private post from yesterday I suggest you log in now.

  1. turnbaby

    May 29, 2008 at 10:07 am

    We share a love of carbs and some yummy curves. I understand about this dichotomy. Just because I say the extra weight I’m carrying right now needs to go (my knees are yelling this LOL) does not mean I think I am not ‘beautiful’

    Remember it’s a process and you’ll likely swing back the other way when things calm down for you.

    I’m certain of one thing—when you walk down that aisle to Erik —the love of your life—you won’t feel anything except beautiful.

  2. bluepaintred

    May 29, 2008 at 10:24 am

    I love carbs and they love me. And based on the photo from yesterday you are going to be a freaking smashing bride.

  3. Gemini

    May 29, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    :chelle: all of the above!!!

    and dude… that picture is HOT!!!

  4. Jen

    May 29, 2008 at 1:39 pm

    You are perfect just the way you are!

  5. Robin

    May 29, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    Fab – :kiss:

    Turnbaby – :hug:

    Blue – : :heart:

    Gemini – :robin:

    Jen – :love:

  6. Avitable

    May 29, 2008 at 2:10 pm

    I’m sure you will make a wonderful, beautiful bride.

  7. The Absurdist

    May 31, 2008 at 8:10 am

    Tyra Banks (yes I watch with my copious free time now) did a thing on women and men and how they see things differently.

    Everyone rated each other 1-10 in terms of attractiveness, (I know, UGH), and they put couples on the stage. They took the women back to a collage of photos, and had them put phrases next to each picture. Of course, each one was negative.

    They then took the men back to a blank set of pictures (without the women’s sayings) and did the same thing.

    The differences were amazing. All the women (skinny, fat, average, gorgeous) all had really horrible phrases about themselves on each photo. The men had lots of phrases about how beautiful the women were, or about how special the occassion was, but never even wrote anything about how the woman looked, except how beautiful she was.

    Women look in the mirror and see what isn’t there in a negative way.
    Men look in the mirror and think they are better looking than they are.

    I never understood that.

  8. Sexy at any Size

    June 1, 2008 at 3:02 am

    We all need to embrace how nature meant us to be rather than attempt to emulate an unrealistic and perhaps unhealthy ideal that the media sometimes rams down our throats. After all, healthy is sexy at any size!

  9. whall

    June 2, 2008 at 12:31 am

    Confidence, intelligence and humor is WAY more attractive than just plain skin.

  10. Robin

    June 2, 2008 at 9:53 am

    Avi – :hug:

    Abs – I know, it’s way more us than it’s men, men are not nearly as judgmental over our bodies as we are.

    Sexy – You said it!

    Whall – I must agree with that one.

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