Learning Plus Size
In my adolescent years I was chubby but then I also didn’t know better than to eat carbs in and out all day long. I lost a ton of weight around 17 years old but it wasn’t the healthy way. I had always dreamed of being thin and to finally be that I was beyond thrilled. Although I must admit, I really wasn’t any happier. I obsessed about staying skinny, only getting unhealthier and putting my life at risk.
This went on for years into college until I got into a serious relationship in my Junior year. I started not obsessing and letting things go a little. I ballooned up pretty quickly getting back to the size I had been in early high school. I got really depressed. I was put on Wellbutrin and lost a lot of weight again but then I was living unhealthily again. I ended up getting so badly dehydrated I had to take time off of school because I couldn’t swallow (haha yeah blow jobs whatever).
By the time I met Erik I was on the extra curvy side and of course thought I was a whale. I’m now a lot more than that. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in the skin of a plus size person, I still cringe to say it but it’s true. I have it so locked in my head that I can’t be this way, that this isn’t me. That until I lose weight I’m ugly or just plain wrong. Like I have a fat suit on I can’t take off.
I think the really hard part is I feel this is not how I am supposed to be. I have a tiny frame, I’m petite. I look at myself and see I have tiny feet and tiny hands and my head isn’t even very big so I don’t think it looks right, I think it looks like it’s so very very wrong.
With the wedding approaching and having to wear a wedding dress I’ve been through all the emotions. Sometimes I think I’m a big fat cow that will be horrifying in a wedding dress and sometimes I think while I’m extra extra curvy I’m still pretty sexy or at least I make it work. It’s a constant up and down thing for me, every day is different.
But somehow I am slowly (very slowly) coming to accept it. With my health issues and genes I will probably never be petite again. I might but at this point it’s unlikely. I know I won’t be thin for my wedding and that’s a hard pill to swallow because I kind of feel like I failed myself and everyone else. I think everyday how I HOPE everyone still thinks I look beautiful even though I didn’t get the weight off.
Maybe this whole thing in part is a lesson for me, to accept what I am and who I am and where I am. That this is me for a reason. That it doesn’t have to be the end of the world and that the love of my life loves me exactly the way I am.
I haven’t gotten to complete acceptance but some days I feel almost okay about it, I sometimes almost have peace. I figure that’s something, right?
And if after this you still haven’t seen my private post from yesterday I suggest you log in now.