I Have Had It

Why are you so insistent to keep your daughter from me? What exactly have I done that would endanger your daughter, because that is the only reason that would mean anything.

I’m a good person and I know you only hate me because Erik found real happiness with me. This is your issue, not mine, not Erik’s and not your daughter’s either. She should not have to suffer because you are bitter. It’s time you moved past this because it’s cruel what you are putting your daughter through.

Any fear or trauma your daughter is going through at this point is because of you, she’s afraid of you as far as I can tell. She’s afraid to love her father because she thinks you’ll stop loving her if she does. I think it kills you that she still loves her father as much as she does despite how hard you’ve tried to run their relationship.

I know you would say I don’t know anything but I’ve seen enough to write a book. I’ve seen more than your fiance has, who by the way appears to be completely clueless as to who you are.

Erik is not perfect but no matter what he deserves to be her father. Period. There is no way around it, no matter what you think of him or of me she deserves to have a real relationship with her father.

I may be 13 years younger than you but on my worst day I would never do what you’ve done.

  1. J.

    July 10, 2007 at 11:38 am

    I freakin’ hate women like that.
    I’ve never said one single evil word about daughter’s dad in her presence. I figure she’ll find out for herself sooner or later.

    My Husband’s ex, on the other hand, is one of THOSE women. She’s nasty, and it’s always money, money, money.

    Last Thursday, she decides to inform us that daughter is coming for the week, Sunday to Saturday.

    Yeah, it’s Tuesday today, and I don’t see her around here anywhere. They didn’t even call.

    I hate women like that.

  2. Robin

    July 10, 2007 at 11:40 am

    It’s scary how many women there are like that, very scary.

  3. Heather B

    July 10, 2007 at 11:49 am

    Her and Jes aka the bitch on my blog would be the best of friends if they ever met…pisses me off i tell you :whosnext:

  4. J.

    July 10, 2007 at 11:52 am

    I know!
    And I had all sorts of stuff planned.
    I think they maybe screwed off to their parents cottage … but still. Thanks for the phone call.
    And what pisses me off the most, is MY daughter also rearranged her plans to spend time with her.

    Ugh … I better shaddup now, ‘cuz I’ll go on and on and on …

  5. MisstressM

    July 10, 2007 at 12:39 pm

    Hmmmmm….is she retarded? Please tell me she is. I have a daughter as well, my situation is different, her father was basically a sperm donor, and he is virtually invisible. But at the end of the day SHE is my daughter and not his new girlfriend’s oversized doll. What I say goes; the rule is, my daughter doesn’t meet anyone he sleeps around with, either older or younger.

  6. Robin

    July 10, 2007 at 12:42 pm

    Heather B – Oh yes.

    J. – He hasn’t even had the chance to be a real father in 4 years.

    MistressM – These situations can go all different directions. I’ve been with Erik for over 4 years and have lived with him most of that. I’m marrying him, I will be this girl’s stepmother. Someday, eventually, she will know me. She can’t control her life forever.

  7. themuttprincess

    July 10, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    I may not like my Ex, but it is not my job to put him down in front of my son. My son will figure out how horribly retarded his father is, on his own… With out my help.

    It is too bad that there are A LOT of women out there like that. A lot.

  8. Maureen

    July 10, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    You may not have a lot of experience with children or stepchildren or co-parenting after a divorce, Robin, but I have 😀

    And, from what you’ve told me this woman is so blatantly misusing her child to further her own twisted psychological vendettas. I just told my husband about the latest outburst & he said something like “Do you realize how messed up in the head you’d have to be to do this to your child?”

    It is *not easy* to deal with a breakup of a romantic relationship. Especially one where she was floundering so hard to get control in at the time of breakup, piling lie on lie & balancing at the top hoping it didn’t cave in. She’s left sitting in her own rubble, with the emotional emptiness that she was trying to fill still empty.

    After a breakup, an emotionally healthy parent would still feel pain, maybe betrayal, maybe even do a couple of childish things -but- when they saw the pain that their behavior was causing to their child, they would realize that they had to get their priorities straight, put their own emotional issues out of sight (and hearing) of their child, and get on with their new life of parenting as part of a co-parenting team. Hold their head up & act as a responsible parent, who loves their child and honors and values their child’s relationship with both parents.

    An emotionally unhealthy parent can’t get past their own issues to see the pain that they are causing their child with their games. Or, they can see it and they twist it to their advantage, using cognitive dissonance to explain it all away.

    The thing is, they don’t realize that *everyone else* who is not emotionally attached to them, can see what’s happening, can see through the lies that they are telling to make themselves believe that they are not responsible for their child’s pain. And, it is just pathetic. And tragic for that child.

    I would love to be a fly on the wall, listening to how my stepdaughter’s mother explains her situation to others. How can you possibly explain ‘I didn’t want to co-parent my daughter with her father, and I couldn’t drive her father away, so I decided not to talk to her anymore?’. How do you explain that & still have any friends at all?

    And, how do you explain “He called me on my craziness and left, but thought that I would be a good co-parent to our daughter. He was wrong. Instead, I lay my adult troubles out in front of her, excluding him altogether so she *has to* believe me that he’s bad & dangerous & that she is scared of him. Whenever he tries to get close to her, I lead him on a bit, then (metaphorically) pinch her to make her cry, so that I can look like a martyr and victim.”

    One more time. If my child was ‘afraid’ of something that I knew was safe, I would teach my child how to deal with that fear. I would not encourage her to continue in that fear. Encouraging her to continue in a fear in order to ‘stick your tongue out at’ your ex, her father, is childish behavior. It is *NOT* parental behavior.

  9. Maureen

    July 10, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    did I say too much ?

    :nana:

    (If anyone has anything they want to say to me, to explain any of this, they are welcome to email me at any time – mgnavadomskis@sbcglobal.net)

  10. Robin

    July 10, 2007 at 12:50 pm

    TMP – Your only job is to help your child in life and do your best to make sure they have as good of a relationship as they can with both parents.

    Maureen – You always say it so well, you are a very smart woman. Maybe you should start a program or a class for mothers (or fathers) that feel the need to do this kind of thing.

  11. Heather B

    July 10, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    Very well said Maureen

  12. J.

    July 10, 2007 at 1:33 pm

    Parents that use their children as pawns, suck ass.
    My final words.
    :whosnext:

  13. Heather B

    July 10, 2007 at 1:40 pm

    Yea and unfortunately there are “some step mom’s” who do the same against the mom…. ERRR!!! but you know what? FUCK that bitch I’ve got my boy back and I never speak badly of his father and try to keep my thoughts of her to my self and not speak badly of her to Brandon. Even though her name only comes up ever blue moon, thank goodness for that…

    OOPS did i get this blog confused with my own… my bad 🙂 This is just a touchy subject for me too as Robin knows all to well

  14. Robin

    July 10, 2007 at 1:45 pm

    J. – :rockin:

    Heather B – But I’ve never even had a chance to get to know her and I have NO interest in being her mother.

  15. Heather B

    July 10, 2007 at 1:49 pm

    Yea i know hun, i was more or less commenting on J’s comment

  16. Robin

    July 10, 2007 at 1:54 pm

    I know, I just know a lot of stepmoms get a bad rap and I’d just like to be given a chance to know her.

  17. Heather B

    July 10, 2007 at 1:57 pm

    Some day you will, I KNOW IT 😉 and you wont be known as one of the bad step moms you will be great i know it…

    I know lots of good step parents… Jes just happens to be the queen of the BAD ones

  18. J.

    July 10, 2007 at 2:04 pm

    I am the EVIL stepmom. Apparently.
    And I stole her man away.
    Even though they were divorced for 4 years before I even met him.
    Whatever.

    Heh … I seem to recall saying that was my final word.
    Touchy subject for all of us, it appears.
    And don’t even get me started on the idiot my daughter calls a Dad.
    Idiot.
    But still, I keep my opinions to myself.
    Her opinions will be her own, in her own due time.

  19. Maureen

    July 10, 2007 at 2:07 pm

    Just wanted to add that I’ve added a little bit about my own stepdaughter’s story to my own (sadly neglected) blog at: http://naivemelody.blogsome.com/2007/07/10/480/ , if anyone’s interested in hearing some of what we went through over the years. The post is password protected, though, so my stepdaughter doesn’t stumble on it – grownup problems are not her business – she’s got enough teenage problems of her own 😀 Password is ‘summary’

  20. Robin

    July 10, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    It’s a touchy subject for sure and an adult one as well.

  21. Avitable

    July 10, 2007 at 3:44 pm

    People are recockulous.

    :avi:

  22. Robin

    July 10, 2007 at 3:47 pm

    I can always count on you to lighten the mood :avi:

  23. Avitable

    July 10, 2007 at 3:49 pm

    That’s what I do best!

  24. Robin

    July 10, 2007 at 3:50 pm

    But you tend to cross the line at funerals.

  25. Avitable

    July 10, 2007 at 5:01 pm

    Well, I think that funeral streaking should happen every time.

  26. cheri

    July 10, 2007 at 5:10 pm

    Wow heavy subject here!
    I’m in the same situation – only on the other side. I know my son’s father claims I’m “one of those” women and his soon to be ex wife takes every chance she gets to tell me what a louse of a Mother I am. I have had to try real hard not to give my opinion when this subject comes up. Every situation is different. All I know for sure is you can’t EVER bad mouth the other parent to your child and you should try to work with the other parent as much as you can. In my case however my son’s father has become an irresponsible idiot. Sometimes I wonder – am I just supposed to ship him off no questions asked, child unprepared JUST BECAUSE he’s going to Dad’s? I don’t know the answer and it’s a tough one. I tend to lean on the side of caution. Just because you’re a mother/father doesn’t mean you’re a good one and sometimes children are truly better off with not having that other parent around. IMO
    And I’m speaking ONLY of my situation. I don’t even know about your’s Robin. I do feel for you though – these things are always tough!

  27. Maureen

    July 10, 2007 at 11:17 pm

    That’s part of what’s so sad about PAS situations, actually, cheri.

    First of all, the PASing parents pretty much make light of situations where the other parent is actually abusive or dangerous to their children, situations where a parent might actually be justified in keeping their child away from their other parent. They look at situations like that and, instead of giving them the respect and help that they deserve, they exploit them to their own twisted use.

    And, worse still, when they get found out – when people realize, by simply observing reality, meeting the people involved & seeing how the PAS’ers lies don’t match up with reality, that makes those people start to question and second guess everyone’s claims of abusive or dangerous ‘other parents’. That leaves people who *really need help and support* left out in the cold, having to try harder & harder to get someone to believe them & help them.

    It’s freaking sad and twisted. It is not reasonable, loving, responsible parenting in any way shape or form.

    Not to mention that, when the child finally figures it all out, and so many of them do, eventually, that leaves them with so much anger and sadness at the parent who thoughtlessly, carelessly stole their childhood away from them in so many way.

    🙁

    FWIW – we had a niece living with us who’s parents were far from responsible people. We still sent her to spend her time with them, or any time with them that they asked for. What we did, though, was send them with a plan. We’d present it as a ‘party’ for them – we’d pack up an appropriate dvd, healthy meals & snacks, fun party game, tickets to the zoo, etc. Then, cross our fingers and hope that the things we’d taught our niece about taking care of her self would kick in if needed.

    And, for the record, it was so very difficult to send my stepdaughter back to her PAS’ing mom at the end of every time she was with us. If that’s not abusive and irresponsible, I don’t know what is – but, we had no choice – and, we knew that she was at least feeding her, clothing her and sending her to school (otherwise, we might have had some other recourse in court).

  28. cheri

    July 11, 2007 at 11:40 am

    That’s a great idea Maureen about sending her with all that stuff to be prepared to be with her Mother. I do everything I can to prepare my son to take care of himself but it’s a bit trickier since he’s going a thousand miles away for a longer period of time than just a week or a few days. We are still working with him, he’s in counseling so he can learn to speak up for himself and communicate with his father. Which until he’s been unable to do.

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