Smurfs Are Asexual

Sean Smith: Beer and pussy. That’s all I need.
Ronald Fisher: We gotta find ourselves a Smurfette.
Sean Smith: Smurfette?
Ronald Fisher: Yeah, not some tight-ass Middlesex chick, right? Like this cute little blonde that will get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does.
Donnie: Smurfette doesn’t fuck.
Ronald Fisher: That’s bullshit. Smurfette fucks all the other Smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? Because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny.
Sean Smith: No, no, no, not Vanity. I heard he was a homosexual.
Ronald Fisher: Okay, then, you know what? She fucks them and Vanity watches. Okay?
Sean Smith: What about Papa Smurf? I mean, he must get in on all the action.
Ronald Fisher: Yeah, what he does, he films the gang-bang, and he beats off to the tape.
Donnie: [shouts] First of all, Papa Smurf didn’t create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel’s evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn’t happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don’t even have… reproductive organs under those little, white pants. It’s just so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. You know, what’s the point of living… if you don’t have a dick?
Sean Smith: [pause] Dammit, Donnie. Why you gotta get all smart on us?

— Donnie Darko

  1. Star

    January 26, 2007 at 9:41 am

    Umm… okay.. so I loved watching the smurfs when I was little. I had to get my fix right before school.. even at 14, it never occurred to me about smurfette being the only girl and vanity being gay.
    Poor children these days. I hope someone tries and shelters them from this craziness so they can be in their happy little non-sexual world.. YEA — RIGHT!
    Reading stuff like this always cracks me up, but they bring back such happy fond memories of innocence. Around this time, I was a smurfs addict, I also watched Jem and the Holograms and I think He-Man and She-Ra. My husband tried SO hard to get me the Jem and the Holograms complete DVD but everywhere he went, they were sold out.
    How much do the Smurfs complete episodes cost?

  2. Robin

    January 26, 2007 at 9:44 am

    Star – It’s so true, innocense is disappearing very quickly. I was so innocent as a kid, much different than a lot of kids these days. I too watched Jem, LOVED that show! I also loved Beverly Hills Teens. Oh and Fraggle Rock :rock:

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