Next On My List

It’s never easy to cut anyone out of your life, especially when they are a part of the family. Do you avoid all gatherings that they go to or do you just go and do your best to ignore them? What do you do when they are the SO of your boyfriend’s father?

I’ve tried really hard to like FIL’s SO but she makes it so damn hard. She’s been “involved” with FIL for nearly 2 decades as far as I know and still nobody really knows what they are. They don’t sleep in the same room and he pays rent to her. I personally think she treats him pretty badly and worry about him.

Many times I have tried to ignore her snide comments and her selfishness. I’ve tried really hard to see beyond her tough exterior in hopes there is a loving side but I’m not sure there is. She is definitely a tough woman who can take care of herself but I think she’s just a little too tough for me.

I’m pretty sure she’s been pissed off at Mr. Yoda and I because we didn’t visit FIL in the hospital. Problem is, he asked us specifically not to come. We’re not sure why but since he said he was too miserable for guests we abided by his wishes. I know SO left a nasty voicemail for Mr. Yoda about “being there for” his father, which IMO is none of her business.

So I sent out this nice email to wish everyone a Happy New Years and included an update on our lives. The title of the email was “See You All Next Year” and at the end of the update it said “we hope to see y

ou all more next year.” Do you know how she responded? All she put in big letters was “I WON’T HOLD MY BREATH…”

I’m still waiting to hear back from her what she meant by that but I’m pretty sure I got the drift. If she’s going to act like this then I don’t want anything more to do with her, which may mean I can’t have much to do with FIL either. I love FIL but I really cannot stand to have anything to do with her anymore. That’s just how I am, she’s not worth the aggravation.

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  1. javajabber

    January 4, 2007 at 8:21 am

    People like this … definitely not worth the aggravation. But you can’t ignore your FIL just because of her … it’s not fair to him. It’s not going to be easy to compartmentalize her when they are “together,” but it’s something you have to do. Just don’t respond to her insane behavior (words or actions). No point in making yourself a wreck and alienating your FIL. Sound impossible? It’s not. It just takes practice … and learning to laugh a lot at her. You don’t have to figure her out … just let it be. You’ll be better off for it. And you won’t be disrespecting your relationship with your FIL … which you would be doing if you cut him off from your lives as well. Being with her was his choice … not yours. He has to live with her, not you. Make sense? I don’t know … but I’ve been in almost an identical situation before. It took a while but I finally learned to just laugh at it and made sure I wasn’t always trying to figure out what to do to please the other person because I knew that was an impossibility.

  2. Joefish

    January 4, 2007 at 8:50 am

    I won’t hold my breath? What a crotch.

  3. Gemini

    January 4, 2007 at 9:02 am

    I think that there is some missing communication going on between FIL and SO… He tells her one thing and she either hears it or continues to think another…

    Consider what happened with MIL and FIL recently. That was purely SO being up set with FIL because he didn’t create boundaries for MIL. He would agree to whatever SO said but doing another and instead of explaining to MIL that there needs to be boundaries set he told her “I don’t think that you should come over here when you are in the area.”

    Knowing MIL I can understand the issue that SO had with this… I say this only to show the example of what FIL is like… Instead of saying what he really wants he tells everyone what they want to hear.

    Telling us that he was upset that no one would visit but telling you and Mr. Yoda that he didn’t want anyone to visit… I truly believe that he is just trying to keep everyone happy with him not realizing what it does to everyone else including SO.

    I also think that she is starting to feel trapped by FIL’s recovery and is resenting you and Mr. Yoda for your freedom and FIL lack of dependence on you guys? Meaning we all have a life and right now she doesn’t. Because for the first time in their relationship he depends on her for help not the other way around.

    In the end although it isn’t fair that she take this out on you. I think that this is something that will blow over and or can be explained to her in a way that she will have to go to the source… FIL. He will need to make his mind up… Does he want visitors? Does he want you guys to go and visit him? If so he has to be truthful to you and tell you. You are not mind readers if he says he doesn’t want you to come then what other choice do you have other then to just go anyway.

    Any way if she does answer you I would tell her that although you were ready to visit several times you were told by FIL that he didn’t want you to come. So you are only doing what you have been asked to do. And if there are problems with that then she would need to discuss them with him or FIL would need to explain to you guys on why he would say one thing to you and another to her.

    In the end I agree with Java. Don’t write either of them off. Let FIL know that you dont understand why SO is so angry about this? Make him talk to her about this. in the end this is truely between them and the way they comunicate with eachother (or not)

    HUG

  4. Ms. Yoda

    January 4, 2007 at 9:11 am

    Java – You have a point, while I complain I know I could never cut FIL out because I do love him. I’m not sure how I’ll deal with her but I’m not inviting her anymore.

    Joefish – I know!!

    Gemini – I know…I think you are so much more of a patient person than I am. You easily forgive “family” as I put family on the same plane as anyone else…if they piss me off I will walk away. I just can’t deal with some of the shit sometimes, I’m just not built that way. If FIL is causing this break in communication he needs to STOP it NOW.

  5. Gemini

    January 4, 2007 at 9:16 am

    I think that maybe you or Mr Yoda need to tell him this.

    I think that FIL is alot like Mr Yoda used to be with PHB agree with anything to make her happy so She isnt mad at him but mad at the wrong person…. (namely you two)

    Not fair but I think that is what it is… and until someone says something (I believe that It should be Mr Yoda and not you) this will not change.

  6. Ms. Yoda

    January 4, 2007 at 9:17 am

    I’ll mention it to Mr. Yoda but he doesn’t care…as per usual.

  7. Gemini

    January 4, 2007 at 9:31 am

    I think that by him talking to FIL will only make his relationship with him stronger and then they can have abeeter understanding of eachother…

    Thus in the end giving a great big :tongue: to SO…
    :whistle:

  8. Gemini

    January 4, 2007 at 9:36 am

    HAHA :crazy:

    I just read what I typed ha-ha “abeeter”! what the heck is that!

  9. Robin

    January 4, 2007 at 10:41 am

    Gemini – You have your own language :twitchy:

  10. Gemini

    January 4, 2007 at 10:44 am

    :coffee: No I think that I haven’t had enought coffee today do the the fact that my Lips or my coffee cup has a big hole in it and more coffe is on my shirt and desk then in my mouth! :dazed:

  11. Blueyes

    January 4, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    Kinda sounds like the lady who my grandfather got remarried to. He’s been in the hospital quite a few times for his heart and cancer and everytime my mother wants to go visit him she explicitly says do NOT come, I won’t let you see him. She’s not very nice to see the least. Makes no damn sense.

  12. Mr. Fabulous

    January 4, 2007 at 9:06 pm

    Do I need to register for another level to see these posts?

  13. Mr. Fabulous

    January 5, 2007 at 8:17 am

    I have a name that I would like to call her, but I won’t do it on you blog.

    But I’m thinking it… :crazy:

  14. Krayzee Chickadee

    January 5, 2007 at 9:32 am

    I agree with Java. If you want to have a relationship of any kind with FIL, SO is going to be there.
    Just be as nice and polite as possible – and short and sweet.

    OT: :dance: this smiley is so cool!

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