Some Honesty

  • Kids get past divorce. No matter what the situation if the child has a parent to explain it all and help them through it they will make it through it.
  • In fact, kids get through a lot of pain and have wonderful lives. It helps if the child has both parents actively trying to help them.
  • If you think your child has been sexually abused and you only decide to blame the other parent and ignore the possibility it was anyone else is disturbing beyond comprehension. It makes it look like this person is trying to attack the other person by claiming abuse. Actualy, after a lot of research, I learned a lot of mothers use this tool to gain control in a divorce.
  • Kids shouldn’t make all the decisions. Why? Because they are children and they do not know what is best for them. If a child’s father calls it should not be the child’s option to talk to him, the mother should be making the decision. Kids have a lot of confused emotions and sometimes need to do things they are unsure about.
  • Kids don’t need to know everything and in fact a lot of adult things they really don’t need to know. A lot of adult things aren’t going to make sense to a kid and really confuse them. There is being honest and there is adding complication that is unecessary.
  • When it’s 4 years after a divorce and the child hasn’t come to terms with it, then there is something fundamentally wrong. If after 4 years the child in the divorce has been kept out of one of the parent’s lives it comes across as personally vindictive on behalf of the parent. And if 4 years has past and the child hasn’t ever even seen where the other parent lives or what they do or what their life is like it will leave a lot of holes and must be extremely scary.

I’m not a parent and never claim to know what it’s like to be a parent. I am, however, a human being who knows what it’s like to to feel scared and confused as a child. I am also a woman who loves a man who misses his daughter terribly and worries about her daily.

I know when I post these kinds of things in my blog it opens up something else entirely and I realize not everyone thinks this is a good idea. This blog is full of my opinions and I have every right to sharing them.

If anyone questions my opinions then you know…you can respond to this post or even email me. Or just maybe…just maybe you are afraid I am right. Afterall, you don’t have to know a person to make your own opinion. I’m sure a lot of people have opinions on me that don’t know me

  1. Maureen

    October 10, 2006 at 3:07 pm

    Robin –

    You know that I feel strongly about this, both for your situation, my husband’s situation and so many more that I see. I feel strongly about it as a mother, as a woman, as a stepmother and as an aunt. Is there a limit to the number of characters that I can post in your comments? Because, I’m pretty sure that I’m going to push the envelope here 😀

    I know, I really do, that there are some people (men and women) who are dangerously bad parents & should not be allowed to be with their children. I know that the children in those situations have every right to be afraid & every right to be protected. I hope that they all are & that they all have strong adults in their lives who help them to overcome a childhood with one or two missing or bad parents. It can be done.

    Kids can be told “Your mom/dad/parents made some mistakes, weren’t ready for the responsibilities of parenting, had bad childhoods themselves & never learned how to love/nurture themselves, let alone a child — so, we’ll feel sorry for them, that they’re missing out on this experience of parenting you, but don’t you worry about a thing, because I’ve got you covered.”

    Even more, they can also be told, “Hey, I know that you love your dad/mom/parents & want to spend time with them, but that they aren’t always able to care for you, don’t know what to do with you, don’t remember to put your coat on, whatever it is that the problem is — so, me & you are going to see what we can do to help you to be safe, warm, fed while you are with them. Your mom/dad/parent loves you, they just need a little help. I know that your relationship with your mom/dad/parents is important to your emotional health and I am going to do whatever it takes to give you a strong, healthy relationship with your parent, even if that means that I have to figure out a way to teach that parent how to give you what you need”.

    Now, that’s assuming that there was actually something wrong with the other parent(s). (I include both parents, by the way, because I actually did care for a niece whose parents had both stepped out of her life in infancy – she was a teen when I got her – and, despite the fact that they were sad excuses for parents, I continued to try to build my niece’s confidence that they loved her, but just weren’t able to care for her –and- I continued to try to make her visits with them as positive as possible, by gently teaching the parents what to do with her while she was there – what else would you do for a child?)

    Anyway, in so many cases, yours, some others that I know of, the mother seems to take some kind of pride in the fact that the kids think that the other parent is lacking or frightening. Sure, they cover it with a veneer of ‘I’m trying to protect my child’, but both of the actual parents know that there is NOTHING that the child needs to be protected from.

    In my husband’s case, my stepdaughter has never been afraid of her dad. At least, not that she’s ever indicated to us. Her mother has convinced all of her friends, family & herself that he is stalking & harassing her – that he is a bad parent because he has been involved in my stepdaughter’s life, which, according to her mother, is a social & psychological problem for my stepdaughter.

    Now, my husband and his ex-wife both know the truth (just as your boyfriend & his ex both know what’s true). They know that he’s a good dad who just wants to continue to be a parent in his daughter’s life. They both know that he is not stalking her in any way. They both know that things she has claimed, that she has seen him sitting in his car outside the school, for example, are simply not true. But, of course, it’s easy for her to convince other people of these things. All they have to go on is his word & hers. But the two actual people involved (oh, and my stepdaughter –and- yours) all know what’s true. Can you imagine that – what it is like for my stepdaughter to hear her mom saying to her dad that they know he’s been sitting in his car outside her school, for example, when my stepdaughter knows that that is simply impossibly not true?

    Imagine you’re a kid who likes both of your parents. Imagine you’re going from a nice weekend with dad back to your mom. Imagine your mom standing there yelling at your dad about something that you know he didn’t do. Imagine your mom telling you that you shouldn’t/can’t see your dad anymore because of these things that you know she made up. What do you do? What can you do? Do you have the power to change anything? What do you think about your mom? About truth and lies? What do you believe anymore?

    I know that, if my relationship with my husband were ever to end L, I would take pride in the fact that I had the strength to continue their relationship with him as if nothing had changed. I would facilitate that relationship. I would make sure it worked. I would do whatever it took to give my children the confidence that comes from solid relationships with both parents.

    Even if he started to slip & was not the great dad he is now, I would do whatever it takes to get that back for my kids. They deserve that. They deserve to believe that they are worthy of that love. They deserve to know that their foundation is unshaken (even if mine is).

    Women are, traditionally, nurturers. I take pride in that part of myself as a woman. I take pride in other women who are able to nurture their children through any kind of adverse or unusual situations to the point that their children come out the other side stronger for the adversity, instead of looking for pity.

    I know that I’m forgetting to say a lot of things that I want to say. If anyone, anyone at all, wants to talk to me about any of this outside of this comment box, you can e-mail me at

  2. Robin

    October 11, 2006 at 10:20 am

    Maureen – At one point amidst all of this I tried to imagine myself as a little girl where my father seemed to disappear. He didn’t die or leave the country but he nearly fell off the planet. I’d be very scared and confused. I just know that she must need (and maybe not realize it) to see her father in person in his life to really come to terms with what happened. I guess it’s a form of closure but not really. It’s like when you have a really bad breakup and you can’t quite get past it until you see for yourself the other person has moved on.

  3. Maureen

    October 11, 2006 at 10:33 am

    And, the thing is, as far as I know from everything you’ve told me over the years, Erik *hasn’t* moved on from his relationship with his daughter and doesn’t want to. He just doesn’t want to be married to her mother anymore.

    It shouldn’t be that complicated and the breakup of the adult relationship shouldn’t change the child’s relationship with either of her parents at all.

  4. Maureen

    October 11, 2006 at 1:56 pm

    Just got this quote in my e-mail & it made me think of this post for some reason. Thought I’d add it here:

    “I believe the time we really look big in a child’s eyes is when we go to them and apologize for our mistakes and we say, ‘I was wrong. Will you forgive me?'” — Kevin Leman

  5. Robin

    October 11, 2006 at 1:58 pm

    Great quote! :thumbsup:

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