Being Mean in the Name of Friendship

Ok I’m going to bring up a topic and I’m really honestly curious of your thoughts on it.  I am going to quote some people but will not give any names to protect them.  I am not that vindictive.

So I was having another tough time and reached out to some online friends.  I knew deep down inside that I’d get a couple of people to offer real help and the rest would in fact attack me.  Actually I really hoped I wouldn’t have to defend myself or my relationship but I knew it was a real possibility.

Anyway, when I told some of my friends my man was having a hard time (understandably) and I wanted some real thoughtful advice here is some I got:

Where and what are his priorities? It should be his and her wellbeing — instead, he wallows in some primordal pool of self doubt, self pity and selfishness. Harsh? OK. I’ll accept that I’m being terribly mean. I am trying to see the situation from your point of view, but all it makes me want to do is to slap him and say “Snap out of it you.”

I get from your last post that you were merely trying to curry sympathy and concern for having to deal with [your man’s] anxiety.

Emotional problems wreak havoc not only on the person feeling dealing with it, but on their family too. And there is a fine line between helping and enabling.

All of this came from me saying my man was having a very bad day, partially because of work problems, finances with buying the house, Father’s Day and just the shit that can come out of nowhere.  He called me at work needing someone and feeling a little overwhelmed.

I helped him and as a loving couple we made it through.  In fact we’re both better now having faced an obstacle and overcome it together :heartbeat:

I don’t believe having a hard day and feeling overwhelmed (even if you are a man) means you are selfish and I don’t believe helping a loved one through a hard time is enabling anything.  I think being selfish would have been asking me to change my day, which he didn’t.  I think enabling would have been telling him to just go to bed or stay home, which I didn’t either.
Maybe I come across overdramatic and therefore discussing issues online probably isn’t the best thing for me to do or at least not with people who don’t know me or anyone in my life.  I suppose I seem like I’m just looking for pity but my intention is to get help to get through that moment.

If I saw a friend in need of help the last thing I’d ever do is say something like they did to me and I can be direct/blunt as hell.

My friend said this and I think it sums it up:

Friends can find nice ways to get to their friend’s heart. Friends *want to* find ways to get to their friend’s heart without inflicting damage.

I’ve never had a group of “friends” make such hurtful and thoughtless comments in the name of friendship.  I’m so disappointed, again.

  1. Miss Ann

    June 25, 2006 at 2:26 am

    sorry for off topic, but I forgot my username…can you send it to me?

  2. vixen

    June 25, 2006 at 10:45 am

    It’s very hard to establish good, trusting, respectful friendships online. It CAN be done, but it takes time, tons of emails, and a lot of remembering how the typed word is perceived. I know when I’m emailing someone, and I am as sarcastic as hell, I either put in a ton of LOL’s or J/K’s, or if I’m serious, I’ll state that I am serious.
    But as a human being, when someone comes to me that needs someone to just “listen”, I do that without interjecting my opinions on the matter, UNLESS they are asked for. And it all boils down to how one was raised, what life lessons one has learned, and putting yourself in the others shoes.
    I am so so sorry that you got those reactions from people you thought you knew. Don’t give up though, k? There are some good eggs out there! :yipee:

  3. Robin

    June 25, 2006 at 11:10 am

    vixen – thanks, and you are one of them.

  4. Gemini

    June 26, 2006 at 10:33 am

    Always remember most people form their own opinions on what happened to them not what is really going on with you.

    It isn’t really fair of them to do this and they try to hide it behind the “I know from experience” but that isn’t really true. They have never really lived the same exact situation that you have. :rolleyes: they may think they have but they haven’t. Just like you have not live their situations either.

    Some people get so swept up in what they went through and how they may have done it different that they forget they are not talking about the same thing and in a since they are really only talking for themselves.

    Support is truly a give and take they think they are giving when they are really taking but they don’t recognize it. :duh:

    You need to do only what you feel comfortable with… if you don’t feel comfortable then don’t do it. :heartbeat:

  5. Robin

    June 26, 2006 at 10:35 am

    Gemini – Thanks, you are a good friend and YOU actually listen to me. You rock :rock:

  6. Gemini

    June 26, 2006 at 10:46 am

    That is what friends are for… :heartbeat:

    ((sing it Deon)) :lmao:

  7. Robin

    June 26, 2006 at 10:48 am

    Keep smiling, keep shining
    Knowing you can always count on me
    For sure 😉
    That’s what friends are for!!!!

  8. Gemini

    June 26, 2006 at 10:51 am

    In good times and Bad times
    I’ll be on your side forever more!!!
    Thats what friends are for!

    (softer)
    Thats what friends are for…..

  9. Robin

    June 26, 2006 at 10:55 am

    Next time…”Wind Beneath My Wings”

    Seriously, thanks for being so awesome everyone, it’s so great to see right now :cheesy:

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