Being Mean in the Name of Friendship
Ok I’m going to bring up a topic and I’m really honestly curious of your thoughts on it.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â I am going to quote some people but will not give any names to protect them.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â I am not that vindictive.
So I was having another tough time and reached out to some online friends.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â I knew deep down inside that I’d get a couple of people to offer real help and the rest would in fact attack me.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Actually I really hoped I wouldn’t have to defend myself or my relationship but I knew it was a real possibility.
Anyway, when I told some of my friends my man was having a hard time (understandably) and I wanted some real thoughtful advice here is some I got:
Where and what are his priorities? It should be his and her wellbeing — instead, he wallows in some primordal pool of self doubt, self pity and selfishness. Harsh? OK. I’ll accept that I’m being terribly mean. I am trying to see the situation from your point of view, but all it makes me want to do is to slap him and say “Snap out of it you.”
I get from your last post that you were merely trying to curry sympathy and concern for having to deal with [your man’s] anxiety.
Emotional problems wreak havoc not only on the person feeling dealing with it, but on their family too. And there is a fine line between helping and enabling.
All of this came from me saying my man was having a very bad day, partially because of work problems, finances with buying the house, Father’s Day and just the shit that can come out of nowhere.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â He called me at work needing someone and feeling a little overwhelmed.
I helped him and as a loving couple we made it through.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â In fact we’re both better now having faced an obstacle and overcome it together :heartbeat:
I don’t believe having a hard day and feeling overwhelmed (even if you are a man) means you are selfish and I don’t believe helping a loved one through a hard time is enabling anything.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â I think being selfish would have been asking me to change my day, which he didn’t.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â I think enabling would have been telling him to just go to bed or stay home, which I didn’t either.
Maybe I come across overdramatic and therefore discussing issues online probably isn’t the best thing for me to do or at least not with people who don’t know me or anyone in my life.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â I suppose I seem like I’m just looking for pity but my intention is to get help to get through that moment.
If I saw a friend in need of help the last thing I’d ever do is say something like they did to me and I can be direct/blunt as hell.
My friend said this and I think it sums it up:
Friends can find nice ways to get to their friend’s heart. Friends *want to* find ways to get to their friend’s heart without inflicting damage.
I’ve never had a group of “friends” make such hurtful and thoughtless comments in the name of friendship.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â I’m so disappointed, again.