Uncomfortable in My Own Skin
DonÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢t mind me but my next therapy appointment is a couple weeks away so IÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢m using my blog to unload stuff that nobody else really wants to hear.
ItÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢s hard for Erik to understand why I am so miserable about my weight since he loves me just as I am and finds me very sexy. The best way I could explain it to him as we lay in bed one night was I just donÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢t feel comfortable in my own skin and while I donÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢t think it was pleasant to hear I think my state of mind finally made a some sense to him.
See IÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ve had issues with my body and struggled with eating disorders for a very long time. IÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢m not going to get into the details of that but I think because of how I struggled with body image when I was younger I now canÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢t seem to function appropriately.
I look back to when I was 20 pounds lighter and I still thought I was too fat but the problem is I still felt ok in my own skin. Yeah I didnÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢t feel as sexy as I did when I was a size 6 but I found a way to live with it and make it work for me.
Now at my very highest weight, a weight I never thought IÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢d get to, I feel like IÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ve gone too far. I walk around feeling like I am forced to wear this fat suit and that I stand out when I walk down the street. ItÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢s hard to sit or lay comfortably because now there is fat IÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢m not used to.
I used to believe if I put my mind to it I could make it work but IÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢m not sure I have any faith left and that scares me. IÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢m at a point where I feel so uncomfortable itÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢s hard to get through everyday and to just get through everyday makes me so exhausted I have no energy left for anything else.
I think a big part of this is I donÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢t feel I wear the weight well. I am 5ÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢1 and have a small frame. Hell my shoes are a 6 ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â½ to a 7 and my ring finger is a 4 ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â½. I feel like a freak, to put it as simply as possible.
I wish it was enough that Erik loves me and lusts for me as I am but it is not. If I had it my way IÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢d be a happy chick seducing my man every night like I used to. My weight gets in the way of my relationship, sex life, friendships and just everyday life in general.
I just want to be myself again. I want to feel sexy and normal again. I miss the old Robin.