Uncomfortable in My Own Skin

Don’t mind me but my next therapy appointment is a couple weeks away so I’m using my blog to unload stuff that nobody else really wants to hear.

It’s hard for Erik to understand why I am so miserable about my weight since he loves me just as I am and finds me very sexy. The best way I could explain it to him as we lay in bed one night was I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin and while I don’t think it was pleasant to hear I think my state of mind finally made a some sense to him.

See I’ve had issues with my body and struggled with eating disorders for a very long time. I’m not going to get into the details of that but I think because of how I struggled with body image when I was younger I now can’t seem to function appropriately.

I look back to when I was 20 pounds lighter and I still thought I was too fat but the problem is I still felt ok in my own skin. Yeah I didn’t feel as sexy as I did when I was a size 6 but I found a way to live with it and make it work for me.

Now at my very highest weight, a weight I never thought I’d get to, I feel like I’ve gone too far. I walk around feeling like I am forced to wear this fat suit and that I stand out when I walk down the street. It’s hard to sit or lay comfortably because now there is fat I’m not used to.

I used to believe if I put my mind to it I could make it work but I’m not sure I have any faith left and that scares me. I’m at a point where I feel so uncomfortable it’s hard to get through everyday and to just get through everyday makes me so exhausted I have no energy left for anything else.

I think a big part of this is I don’t feel I wear the weight well. I am 5’1 and have a small frame. Hell my shoes are a 6 ½ to a 7 and my ring finger is a 4 ½. I feel like a freak, to put it as simply as possible.

I wish it was enough that Erik loves me and lusts for me as I am but it is not. If I had it my way I’d be a happy chick seducing my man every night like I used to. My weight gets in the way of my relationship, sex life, friendships and just everyday life in general.

I just want to be myself again. I want to feel sexy and normal again. I miss the old Robin.

  1. StationeryQueen

    May 14, 2006 at 11:21 am

    I know how you feel, exactly. Sucks.

    *hugs*

    ~Tara

  2. Robin

    May 15, 2006 at 8:25 am

    Thanks Tara – I’m not sure why I needed to get it out but I just had to. Some days I don’t feel that awful and some days I feel like a walking embarassment :dunno:

  3. Maureen

    May 15, 2006 at 1:30 pm

    I feel the same way, sometimes, too. Just have to keep on finding ways to accept it, or motivate yourself to get to a body shape that makes you feel more comfortable.

  4. Robin

    May 15, 2006 at 1:34 pm

    Some days I swear I can convince myself my body isn’t that bad and it has some nice parts but it’s those other days that kill me. It’s basically a daily battle with myself, very tiring.

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