MASSACHUSETTS DRIVING RULES
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston may be illegal.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered “going with the flow.”
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance state and the other driver has nothing to lose.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
12. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
18. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
21. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
22. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
23. Real Massachusetts male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight hours (who would want to at night?).
24. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
By the way: Don’t ask what happened to numbers 9, 13-17, or 20 (they have been consumed by the Big Dig)…